I AM CHANGING MY BLOG NAME

TO 'STEADY CASH FLOW'
THIS POEM IS STUPID

I AM THE WOMAN I WANT TO BE AND THATS FINE TONIGHT

I LIKE TO BE ALONE
MOST OF THE TIME
I AM COMFORTABLE
BY MYSELF
IT IS UNCOMPLICATED

THINGS ARE SIMPLE TONIGHT
I ENJOY MYSELF
BY MYSELF
WITHOUT
GROSS INTERPRETATIONS

THIS IS HERE
AND I AM HERE
AND I AM GOOD
AND THIS IS GOOD

I WILL BRUSH HER HAIR HONEY

SHIRLEY
IS IN THE MOST
LOVING OF HANDS DEAR
I WILL FEED HER
AND BRUSH HER HAIR
I WILL HOLD HER
FOR SOME TIME
AND TALK TO HER
LIKE A BABY

SHE WILL BE
ALRIGHT
WE WILL WAIT
FOR YOU TO
COME HOME
THIS IS HOME NOW
IN THIS SHITTY GHETTO

WE CAN
SIT ON YOUR ROOF
HONEY
AND WE WILL DRINK
UNTIL
I STUMBLE TOWARDS THE EDGE
AND YOU WILL CATCH ME
BY THE EDGE OF
MY COAT
BECAUSE I AM SURE
AT THIS POINT
IN OUR FRIENDSHIP
THAT YOU DONT WISH
ME DEAD

LITERARY FEUD BETWEEN DANIEL BAILEY AND SAM PINK PART 1

THERE HAS BEEN MUCH IN THE WAY OF INNUENDO LATELY.
PEOPLE SAYING THAT PERHAPS I AM GAY FOR CHRIS KILLEN.
AND PERHAPS I AM. PERHAPS I AM VERY GAY FOR HIM.
PERHAPS HE AROUSES FEELINGS OF BEING GAY WITHIN ME.

SO YES, MAYBE I AM GAY FOR HIM. TOTALLY AND HUGELY GAY FOR HIM. PROBABLY THE GAYEST OF ALL.

REGARDLESS, WE CAN SAFELY SAY THAT THE FEELING OF BEING GAY FOR CHRIS KILLEN IS ENVELOPING ME AND I AM NOT PROTESTING.

BUT THERE’S ONE DUDE FOR WHOM I FEEL LITTLE GAYNESS,
AND THIS DUDE IS DANIEL BAILEY, OR SHOULD I SAY ‘BUTTHOLE BAILEY.’

THIS MAN, WHO’LL WE’LL CALL ‘BUTTHOLE BAILEY,’ TALKED SOME SHIT ABOUT MY SHIT.
HE DISPUTED MY CLAIM ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO JUMPKICK THE ATLANTIC.
SO FUCK HIM. I EXCOMMUNICATE HIM.
I AM FEUDING HIM.
I WANT FACTIONS TO EMERGE. I WANT DIVISION.
MY SIDE HONORS NOTHING BUT BARE BRUTALITY.
I WILL NOT CEASE UNTIL ALL OF BUTTHOLE BAILEY’S SOLDIERS ARE DESTROYED, SHOULD ANY BE STUPID ENOUGH TO SIDE WITH BUTTHOLE BAILEY.

YOU CAN’T JUMPKICK THE ATLANTIC YOU DUMB FUCK.

PS:(XOXOXOXO CHRIS)

LARGEMAN

I WAS DRUNK YESTERDAY
IM DRUNK TODAY
IM DRUNK TONIGHT
DRUNK DRUNK.


I WON'T MAKE A DUMB DECISION
SQUIDS AND TOY POODLES.
TAO LIN.

TEXT MESSAGE
HIGH FIVE
WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME?

I'M A ROBOT
MADE OF METAL AND GEARS
I THINK I GET ALONG WITH ROBOTS.
OTHER ROBOTS.

I'M SORRY ON BEHALF OF NASA
FOR HURTING THE MOON
FOR SMASHING INTO ITS SKIN
AND MAKING IT BLEED.

- ELLEN FRANCES

I WANT TO PROMOTE MYSELF BETTER

TO ACHIEVE 'STEADY CASH FLOW'
AND QUIT MY JOB
AND QUIT MOST OBLIGATIONS
HAVING TO DO WITH MONEY
AND FOCUS ON PROJECTS
AND START MORE PROJECTS
AND DO FUNNY THINGS

FUCK AMERICA

SOMETIMES I WRITE 'FUCK AMERICA'
IN PEOPLE'S BOOKS IF THEY ASK ME TO SIGN IT
I THINK 'FUCK AMERICA' IS A FUNNY PHRASE
I THINK I THINK IT'S FUNNY
BECAUSE LEFTOVER CRACK HAS A SONG
CALLED 'FUCK AMERICA'
AND I THINK LEFTOVER CRACK IS FUNNY
MAYBE THERE IS NOTHING FUNNY JUST BY ITSELF
THE PHRASE 'FUCK AMERICA'
MAYBE THERE IS
NO ONE HAS EVER GOTTEN ANGRY AT ME
OR EMAILED ME SAYING ANYTHING
ABOUT 'FUCK AMERICA'
I THINK I'VE WRITTEN IT IN MAYBE 20 BOOKS SO FAR
PEOPLE USUALLY BRING 'BED' FOR ME TO SIGN

I AM AT MELVILLE HOUSE'S BOOKSTORE

A HOMELESS MAN CAME IN
I THOUGHT HE WAS THE USPS MAN
I PICKED UP ENVELOPES TO GET READY
TO GIVE THEM TO HIM

HE SAID HI AND SAID THINGS
I SAID I WAS VOLUNTEERING
AND THE OWNERS WERE OUT TO LUNCH
BUT THAT I WOULD GIVE HIM MONEY

I GAVE HIM $5
HE IS OUR ONLY CUSTOMER TODAY
I WAS TALKING TO ROBERT ON GCHAT
HE SAID 'WHAT IF HE USED IT TO BUY A BOOK'
I SAID 'THAT WOULD BE GOOD'

KENDRA IS THREATENING ME

I DRANK BOULEVARD THEN GUINESS
THEN SOME OTHER THINGS
I SAT ON THE COUCH
I WONDERED WHAT WOULD HAPPEN
IF I PRETENDED TO FALL ASLEEP,
REFUSED TO MOVE
I THOUGHT "IF ANYONE TELLS ME
TO GET UP I WILL KILL THEM"
I WOULD YELL THIS
I WOULD "MAKE A SCENE"
IF I HAD A KITCHEN KNIFE
OR BRASS KNUCKLES
ACTUALLY I WOULD NEVER DO THAT

BUT I WAS ON THE COUCH
AND I ONLY SAT ON THE COUCH
I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING
TWO PEOPLE LOOKED AT ME
THEY WERE PROBABLY THINKING
I WAS BORING
I DRANK MORE

I THOUGHT ABOUT HOW
I WAS IN THE LIBRARY EARLIER
AND AN EXCHANGE STUDENT
CALLED ME "SOCK"

MY ROOMMATE PAINTED THIS FOR ME

.AVI

ITS A SMALL MISTAKE
THAT ADDS UP OVER TIME.
SMALL STICKS BUILT UP
TO STOP THE DAM FROM BREAKING.
THERE'S ALWAYS
GOING TO BE LEAKS.
YOU SAW IT COMING
FROM A MILE AWAY.
YOU WERE CURIOUS
TO SEE HOW LONG IT COULD
HOLD UP OVER TIME.
WELL YOU SURE
PUT UP A FIGHT OL GIRL.
YOU SURE HELD
YOUR HEAD UP HIGH
AND GAVE US A GOOD
THRASHING.
ITS THAT DEEP WOUND.
ITS LIKE YOU SEARCHED FOR
IT SLOWLY.
YOU MOVED SKIN ASIDE.
BLUE AND RED VEINS.
PINCHED RUBBED PLOTTED.
YOU CUT THE WRONG WIRE BABY.
AND YOU BLASTED THIS
FUCKING THING INTO
A BILLION LITTLE BITS
THAT STICK AND
CRACK OUR LENSES.
THINGS ARE TOO EXPENSIVE
THESE DAYS FOR THERE
TO BE ANOTHER DENT
IN OUR ARMOR.
HOW WILL WE
EVER PERFORM WHEN
WE HIT THE BIG TIME?
LETS KEEP SLICING
OURSELVES TO BITS
AND RAISE OUR GLASSES HIGH.
BECAUSE THIS TOAST
BRINGS THE CROWD TO THEIR KNEES.

ARTHUR RUSSELL

I JUST TYPED SOMETHING
ABOUT WANTING TO ATTACH A SEED
TO THE FOOT OF A CAT
AND THEN SELECTED AND DELETED IT

I JUST LOOKED
AT A MINIATURE PLASTIC HORSE

I JUST THOUGHT ABOUT THE
DECEASED AMERICAN CELLO-PLAYER
ARTHUR RUSSELL

I FEEL LIKE SOMETHING OLD AND STUFFED
IN A DISPLAY CASE

I WISH IT WAS TWELVE MIDNIGHT
HERE IN THE UK
(NEW YEARS EVE)
AND I WAS USING 'WI-FI' TO TYPE THIS
NEXT TO BIG BEN
AS PEOPLE WERE CHEERING
AND LOOKING AT THE FIREWORKS

ZEBBER IS WITH ME DEAR, THANK YOU FOR GIVING HER TO ME

DANIEL,
THINGS HAVE CHANGED
THIS IS
NO LONGER
AN INTIMATE CONVERSATION
BETWEEN US

IT IS NOW
MORE DIFFICULT
FOR ME
TO EXPRESS
DETAILS OF MY LIFE
THAT SADDEN ME
TO YOU
THE WAY IT BEGAN

THERE WAS SOMETHING
THERE
WAITING ANXIOUSLY
DAILY
FOR YOUR REPLY
FOR YOUR POEMS
THAT ANSWERED MY
POEMS

I AM HAPPY
FOR THIS
THIS NEW THING
IT BECAME
BUT I MISS
THE WAY
I TOLD YOU
AND YOU TOLD ME
ABOUT RUNNING PAST
THE DEATH
ON THE VEDLT
I MISS
THE TIME
IN BETWEEN
THE POEMS
WAITING FOR
THE REPLY POEMS

I DO
I MISS OUR
PRIVATE WAY
OF INTIMATE
COMMUNICATION

IT IS HARD TO EXPLAIN
HOW
THAT YOU ARE
MY FRIEND
MY SWEETHEART
A PERSON
WHO KNOWS ABOUT THE ZEBRAS
THAT HAUNT US

DANIEL,
MY STOMACH
HAS HURT FOR DAYS
IM AFRAID
AND NOW DEAR
I AM GOING TO WRITE YOU
SOMETHING PERSONAL
FOR US

THAT NO ONE
ELSE GETS
TO READ
BECAUSE
IT IS FRIGHTENING
FOR ME TO
LET PEOPLE KNOW
HOW SENTIMENTAL
I CAN BE

OH YES LET
ME SAY THIS
FUCK LIFE
IT FEELS GOOD TO TYPE
FUCK LIFE
DANIEL DEAR,
I HAD TOO MUCH WINE
BY MYSELF
AND I AM LISTENING TO MUSIC
THAT IS FAR TOO SAD
FOR BEING ALONE

ITS A GOOD THING
ZEBBER
THE ZEBRA
IS WITH ME IN
MY KITCHEN TONIGHT

PENIS WITH LINE BREAKS

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DRUNK BLOGGING BLUES

I FEEL LIKE A HARMONICA
BETWEEN A BLUES MAN'S LIPS

READY TO CROAK

A BLUES MAN DREAMS IN SEPIA
SHADES OF TAN
LIKE BEERS
WAITING TO BE DRUNK
OR SPILLED

RUINATION

TONIGHT I HAD A BEER AT THE HEOROT WITH JOE
WE BOTH DRANK STONE BREWERY'S RUINATION IPA
THERE WAS A SHOW DOWNSTAIRS THAT COST $2
WE DIDN'T WANT TO PAY

WE DRANK UPSTAIRS WHERE IT WAS FREE
JOE SAID IT SEEMED VERY ANNE FRANKISH
WE DRANK OUR BEERS AND THEN LEFT
AND THEN HAD TWO PABST TALLBOYS AT KYLE'S

KYLE AND KRAIG WERE ALREADY WASTED

I SAID KYLE AND KRAIG SHOULD MAKE OUT
KRAIG THREW A TANTRUM AND I FELT GOOD
HE WENT OUTSIDE AND RANG THE DOORBELL
FOR FIVE MINUTES HE RANG THE DOORBELL

JOE AND I LEFT AND TALKED
ABOUT WHAT WE DIDN'T WANT TO BE

I FEEL LIKE I'VE REACHED THAT POINT IN THE STORY
WHERE THE PROTAGONIST LEARNS SOMETHING
AND MOVES ON
BUT I DON'T KNOW

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SPELL THAT WORD
IT'S A FRENCH WORD
IT LOOKS LIKE "OF THE MOUNTAIN"
IT'S WHERE YOU COME DOWN
IT'S WHERE THE AIR HAS SUBSTANCE AGAIN

FRIENDS

I FINISHED THE BEER. I OPENED ANOTHER. I'M GOING TO SLEEP SOON BUT THAT'S OKAY. I CAN DRINK ONLY A LITTLE OF THE BEER AND SAVE THE REST FOR LATER. I WON'T WALK DOWNSTAIRS WITH THE UNFINISHED BEER AND PUT IT IN THE FRIDGE OR SOMETHING. I WILL DRINK IT UNTIL I DECIDE I WANT TO FALL ASLEEP. THAT IS OKAY; THAT SET OF ACTIONS. THE BEER WILL SIT ON MY NIGHTSTAND UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT AT AROUND 8 PM. THEN I WILL PICK IT UP AND DRINK FROM IT AGAIN. I NEVER FELT WORRIED ABOUT DRINKING DAY OLD, ALREADY-OPENED CANS OF BEER. DAY OLD, ALREADY-OPENED CANS OF BEER KEEP THEIR CARBONATION. THEY DON'T GO FLAT. I'M SERIOUS. DON'T FUCK WITH MY VERSION OF REALITY BECAUSE YOU CAN'T. FUCKING WITH MY VERSION OF REALITY IS LIKE TRYING TO FUCK WITH THE PLOT OF AN OLD FRIENDS EPISODE THAT YOU'RE WATCHING ON TV. ALL YOU CAN DO IS IMPOSE YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE BROADCAST OF MY THOUGHTS. THAT DOESN'T NECESSARILY MEAN MY THOUGHTS WILL CHANGE. I'M DONE TYPING NOW. THE BEER IS GOOD. I FELT LIKE THIS WAS 'COMPLETED' AND TYPED 'I'M DONE TYPING NOW.' THIS IS MY DEGENERATION. THIS IS MY REMOVAL FROM ALL THINGS THAT WERE FORMERLY MYSELF. THIS IS MY CONDEMNATION OF EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER WRITTEN, AND MY REBIRTH INTO SOMETHING AS NEW AS A CHOCOLATE EASTER BUNNY TO AN IDIOT KINDERGARTNER. I WILL NEVER BE ASHAMED OF WHAT I WRITE AGAIN. I WILL BE ASHAMED OF THIS WHEN I WAKE UP TOMORROW MORNING, SOBER. AT 9 PM TOMORROW NIGHT I WILL READ THIS AND FEEL AMUSED. LISTEN. WE ALL HAVE OUR PATHS. THOSE PATHS WILL END WHEN WE DIE. KNOW THAT MY TONE IS AGGRESSIVE. KNOW THAT I VALUE THINGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL EMOTION. KNOW THAT I VALUE CONCEPTS AND PHYSICAL THINGS WHICH I HAVE, THROUGH 24 YEARS OF PHYSICAL EXPERIENCE, ASSOCIATED WITH PLEASURABLE EMOTION. MY ACTIONS ARE MOST LIKELY DICTATED BY CONDITIONED ASSOCIATIONS REPRESENTED BY NEURONS IN MY SKULL, CREATED OVER 24 YEARS. AND, PROBABLY, SO ARE YOURS. I WON'T END THIS ON THAT OR THIS SENTENCE. THE TRUTH IS, I JUST READ OVER WHAT I WROTE, AND I FEEL OKAY, BUT NOT 'AMAZED.' 'FINDING MYSELF' WILL NEVER HAPPEN. UNDERSTANDING 'WHO I AM' WILL NOT HAPPEN EVER. I WILL CONTINUE TO EXPERIENCE THINGS, YOU WILL CONTINUE TO EXPERIENCE THINGS, WE WILL FORM OUR OWN OPINIONS, WE WILL EXERT PRESSURE ON ONE ANOTHER, AND THEN THE WORLD WILL END. AND BY THAT I MEAN, WE WILL DIE.

BAH.

I HOPE I GET SUED FOR THIS POEM

HERE ARE SOME LYRICS TO WHOOMP! THERE IT IS BY TAG TEAM:
(HIGHLIGHTS OF WHOOMP! THERE IT IS)
WHOOMP CHAK A LAKA CHAK A LAKA CHAK A LAKA (REPEAT 4 TIMES)
POINT BLANK GIN AND JUICE I DRANK
LYRICS LYRICS LYRICS
UH OH I CRAVE SKIN
RIP SHIT
FIND A HONEY TO DIP IT IN
SLAM DUNK IT STICK IT FLIP IT AND RIDE
THAT B O DOUBLE T Y OH MY
WHOOMP THERE IT IS
WHOOMP THERE IT IS
WHOOMP THERE IT IS
WHOOMP THERE IT IS
WHOOMP THERE IT IS
WHOOMP THERE IT IS
DRUNK

COMMUNAL DRUNK INTERNET PARTY MANIFESTO

THIS HAS ALMOST BEEN A COMMUNAL DRUNK INTERNET PARTY
ALMOST ALL DRUNK MEMBERS HAVE PARTICIPATED
THIS MAKES ME FEEL HAPPY
I THINK ALL MEMBERS WHO'VE PARTICIPATED
ARE DRUNK
THIS IS 'TRUE TO FORM'
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN
ANYWAY
CLINK
HERE IS THE MANIFESTO:
DRINK
WRITE POEMS IN CAPITAL LETTERS
SOMETIMES GMAIL CHAT
SAY AND TYPE THINGS 'OUT OF CONTEXT'
INTERNET
INTERNET
INTERNET
WORDS
WORDS
WORDS
CHEERS
DRINK UP
CHEERS

OKAY

OKAY
HERE
THERE WERE TWO BOURBON AND ICED TEAS
FOUR CIGARETTES
AND TWO 16 OZ PABST
THAT PASSED THROUGH MY BODY
'YET ANOTHER NIGHT OWL REFERENCE'
I FEEL STRANGE BECAUSE MY FRIEND SAID MY MYSPACE PICTURE WAS PRETENTIOUS
I FELT THAT IT WASN'T PRETENTIOUS
BUT THEN SHE SAID THAT AND I THOUGHT THAT MAYBE IT WAS SO UNPRETENTIOUS THAT IT WAS PRETENTIOUS
LIKE I WAS SAYING, 'LOOK HOW UNPRETENTIOUS I AM'
THEN THERE WAS A GMAIL CHAT THAT I AM HAVING RIGHT NOW
SO THE TENSE DOESN'T STAND
BUT I TYPED SOMETHING ABOUT THINKING ALL POETRY WAS PRETENTIOUS
AND THEN I THOUGHT THAT THAT THOUGHT WAS PRETENTIOUS
THIS POEM IS FUCKING, FUCKING, FUCKING STUPID
I CAN'T TYPE ANYTHING AND THEN CLICK 'PUBLISH POST' WITHOUT, FOR A SECOND, BELIEVING WHAT I TYPED POSSESSED 'VALUE'
SOMETHING TO DO WITH SELF ESTEEM
THERE ARE PROBLEMS IN MY LIFE
SOLUTIONS CAN BE OBTAINED
I AM INSIDE INTERMINABLE LOOPS OF CONSCIOUS THOUGHT
GOOD JOB

PARTY X

PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT STEPHEN KING
SOMEONE SAID EVERY LOVECRAFT STORY IS THE SAME
BUT THEY LOVE LOVECRAFT
I'M LAYING IN THE FORT
RAINER MARIA IS PLAYING
I FEEL INSANE AND DEPRESSED
SOMEONE SAID 'IT'S THE WORST TITLE
FOR THE BEST STORY'

PARTY VIII

TAO IS TALKING TO DRUNK JACKIE
I HOPE DRUNK JACKIE FUCKS TAO
SHE SEEMS EASY ENOUGH
DRUNK JACKIE
DRUNK JACKIE
DRUNK JACKIE
YOU ARE THE FORT PRINCESS DRUNK JACKIE
JUST TRY NOT TO SAY ANYTHING
DRUNK JACKIE
I DONT LIKE YOU SO MUCH
WHEN YOU TALK
DRUNK JACKIE
YOU SHOULD FUCK TAO
AND ZACHARY BOTH
DOUBLE DUTCH
DRUNK JACKIE

PARTY VIII

SHIT

PARTY VII

'I'M NOT DRUNK' SAID JACKIE
'A NAME GAME?' SAID KENDRA
'HE MAKES LIKE FIFTY THOUSAND A YEAR FROM HIS JOB'
KENDRA SAY S SOM4THING
TAO SAYS
ELAVE IT IT WAS GOOD

I STILL HAVE SOME CHUCK E CHEESE TOKENS IF ANYBODY HAS A CAR AND WOULDN’T MIND DRIVING

NOTE: A WHILE BACK EVERYONE INTRODUCED THEMSELVES AND SAID HELLO TO EVERYONE AND NOW THERE ARE A LOT MORE PEOPLE AND I FEEL GOOD SO I WANT TO DO IT AGAIN--I WANT TO SAY HELLO TO EVERYONE AND THEN SAY SOMETHING POSITIVE ABOUT THAT PERSON.

HELLO DANIEL BAILEY, YOU ARE GOOD AT BEING DANIEL BAILEY

CHRIS KILLEN, I BET YOU ARE GOOD AT VIDEO GAMES AND/OR MATH THINGS

HEY ZACHARY GERMAN, HERE IS A NEW EMOTICON FOR YOU
* { 0
IT MEANS “THE SURPRISED ITALIAN CYCLOPS”
LATER

HI KENDRA, IT WAS ME THAT PULLED ON YOUR ANKLES WHEN YOU WERE SHITTING IN THAT PUBLIC BATHROOM STALL. IT WAS ME YOU DUMB ASS. HA HA.

HI BRANDON, YOU ARE A GOOD BRANDON (PROBABLY THE BEST ONE I HAVE ENCOUNTERED AND THAT’S OUT OF FIFTEEN OR SO BRANDONS I HAVE KNOWN).

HELLO TAO LIN, KEEP THINGS GOING GOODLY YOU TAO LIN

HI JUSTIN RANDS, I LIKE THAT YOU SEEM MAD A LOT

KEN BAUMANN I WILL MASSAGE BOTH OF YOUR BIG TOES (IF YOU SHOULD HAVE BOTH OF THEM (IF NOT I WILL DO ONE))

HELLO ONUNDERSTANDINGSCIENCE, I SURE HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND SCIENCE ONE OF THESE DAYS!!!!!!!!!! : )

BYE EVERYBODY. I AM ACTUALLY DRUNK RIGHT NOW. SOMETIMES WHEN I WRITE HERE I’M NOT ACTUALLY DRUNK. BUT THIS TIME FOR SURE. I AM SURE THAT I AM DRUNK. I AM DRUNK AND THINKING ABOUT ONE THOUSAND CHILDREN RUNNING AND SCREAMING BENEATH A MENSTRUATING SPRINKLER. THEY ARE WEARING SWIMSUITS WITH JAZZY LOOKING DINOSAURS ON THEM. I DON’T KNOW WHAT JAZZY MEANS.
BYE EVERYBODY.

PARTY VI

JACKIE STARED BLANKLY AT ZACHARY
'BREAKING THE WAVES IS GOOD' SAID ZACHARY
'I DIDN'T SAY THAT' SAID ZACHARY
'BREAKING AWAY, THE MOVIE ABOUT BICYCLE'
SAID ZACHARY WITH FRUSTRATION IN HIS VOICE
ZACHARY IS TALKING ABOUT FACTORIES

PARTY V

HOW OLD ARE YOU? TAO ASKED.
I AM 23.
TAO WHEN;S YOUR BDAY?
I FEEL HOT TAO SAID
TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF SAID KENDRA
DO YOU KNOW GAWKER?
NO.

PARTY IV

'ARE YOU EDITING, JACKIE?' SAID CARMIE
'I AM DRUNK' SAID JACKIE
'I AM DRINKING WATER...' SAID JACKIE
'WE WENT TO DINNER AND WE DRANK WINE' SAID JACKIE
'WHAT'D YOU GO EAT'
'I DID IT BEFORE' SAID ZACHARY
'THEIR TALKING ABOUT MOUNTAIN RANGES' SAID ZACHARY
I LOOKED AT ZACHARY WITH A BLANK FACIAL EXPRESSION

PARTY III

'WHO DO YOU KNOW HERE' SAID TAO
'PEOPLE THAT I DON'T KNOW' SAID JACKIE
'I LIKE THAT YOU LIFTED THE ENTIRE BROCCOLI
IN OFFERING' SAID JACKIE
JUSTIN TAYLOR JUST CRAWLED IN THE FORT
PEOPLE ARE GATHERING NEAR THE FORT NOW
'HE'S WRITING SOMETHING' SAID JACKIE
'HI' SCREAMED KENDRA
'LOOK AT ALL THE GIRLS' SAID KENDRA
'YEAH' SAID TAO
'WE GOT A LOT OF GIRLS' SAID JUSTIN
'YEAH' SCREAMED TAO
'WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ON' SAID CARMIE
'A LAPTOP' SAID TAO

I HAVE POURED MYSELF A GLASS OF WINE AND AM DISAPPOINTED IN IT'S FLAVOR

I'M NOT DRUNK YET

I PREVIOUSLY WAS GMAIL CHATTING WITH KENDRA AND TAO

I TOLD THEM TO TELL SOMEONE THAT I WAS THINKING ABOUT THEM
AND LIKED THEIR ATTITUDE AND HAIRCUT
UNCONDITIONALLY

I HOPE THEY DID IT

THINKING THAT THEY IGNORED ME DROVE ME TO POUR MYSELF A GLASS OF WINE AND DRINK IT

PARTY II

'WHO KNOWS WHAT HE TRIED' SAID JUSTIN TAYLOR
'I READ THE SAMPLE BIOGRAPHY' SAID JUSTIN TAYLOR
'SOMETHING SOMETHING' SAID JUSTIN TAYLOR
'I DON'T REMEMBER ALL THE DETAILS' HE SAID
'WORD UP, WORD UP' SAID JEREMY
'EATING JUNK FOOD
'TILL TWO IN THE MORNING' SAID EVA
'THIS IS GOOD, PEOPLE WILL LIKE THIS' SAID ME
'SAID ME' SAID KENDRA
'KENDRA GIGGLED' TAO TYPED
KENDRA JUST GIGGLED AGAIN AFTER READING THAT

PARTY

JUSTIN TAYLOR JUST SAID
'HE'S NOT UNATTRACTIVE
FOR AN OLDER GAY MAN'
JUSTIN TAYLOR IS TALKING
HE IS SAYING '[REMOVED]'
JUSTIN TAYLOR JUST SAID 'HUH?'
HE JUST SAID 'HUH?' AGAIN

WE ARE IN A FORT AT A PARTY DRINKING SPARKS

WE INTEND TO STAY IN THIS FORT FOREVER
WE CAN HEAR JUSTIN TAYLOR TALKING
JUSTIN HAS A VERY IMPORTANT SOUNDING VOICE
JUSTIN SAID 'I REALLY LIKE THIS IDEA
OF WRITING REVIEW
OF A PRIVATELY PRINTED BOOK
NO ONE CAN GET'
MY TONGUE IS ORANGE AND I HAVE TO PEE
BUT I DON'T WANT TO GET OUT OF THE FORT
SOMEONE OUTSIDE THE FORT
JUST SAID SOMETHING GROSS
I HATE THAT PERSON
I WANT TO KILL HIM
BUT I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE THE FORT

BY KENDRA GRANT MALONE AND TAO LIN

I FEEL LIKE AN INSANE DRUNK SEVEN YEAR OLD

I AM LISTENING TO THE POSTAL SERVICE
I JUST DRANK A GIANT COCONUT WATER
I WAS DOING SOMETHING
I DON'T KNOW
I FEEL CONFUSED AND INSANE
LIKE A SEVEN YEAR OLD BOY
IN A GOOD FAMILY ON CHRISTMAS
WITH SNOW OUTSIDE AND A PET DOG
I 'RUSHED' TO THIS BLOG TO 'CAPTURE'
THIS FEELING THAT I AM FEELING RIGHT NOW

I ANSWERED EMAILS WHEN I FELT BAD

I ANSWERED A THREE-PARAGRAPH EMAIL
WITH A TWO-LINE EMAIL
I ANSWERED TWO EMAILS AT ONCE
WITH A TWO-SENTENCE EMAIL
I STARED AT AN EMAIL
I UNSTARRED THE EMAIL
THE EMAIL WILL NOT BE ANSWERED
I ANSWERED A FIVE-PARAGRAPH EMAIL
WITH A THREE SENTENCE EMAIL
I READ A MYSPACE MESSAGE
AND CLOSED MYSPACE, I FELT DISMAY
I FELT ALIENATED
TOMORROW I WILL HAVE NO NEW EMAILS
OR MYSPACE MESSAGES
FROM THOSE PEOPLE

I TYPED THIS POEM FIVE DAYS AGO
AND IT WAS SAVED AS A DRAFT
I DON'T KNOW WHY I CHOSE NOT TO POST IT
I FEEL RECKLESS RIGHT NOW SO I WILL POST IT

I AM RECKLESS

NIGHT OWL

I JUST LEFT MY FLAT
TO BUY A BOTTLE OF WINE
I WALKED DOWN THE ROAD
AND THOUGHT 'THIS IS LIKE NIGHT OWL BY BRANDON SCOTT GORRELL'

THERE IS A CRACK ON MY BOTTOM LIP
THE COLD AIR MADE IT STING

I GOT TO 'BARGAIN BOOZE'
AND 'BARGAIN BOOZE' WAS CLOSED
I THOUGHT 'THIS HAS JUST TURNED INTO A WALK ROUND THE BLOCK'
AND WALKED HOME AGAIN

THIS IS THE THIRD
NIGHT OWL BY BRANDON SCOTT GORRELL
THAT I'VE WRITTEN
I FEEL 'CURSED'
I FEEL LIKE EVERYTHING I WRITE
FROM NOW ON
WILL BE NIGHT OWL BY BRANDON SCOTT GORRELL

MY NEXT NOVEL WILL BE A 75,000 WORD VERSION
OF NIGHT OWL BY BRANDON SCOTT GORRELL
MY NEXT EMAIL TO MY DAD WILL BE A 200 WORD VERSION
OF NIGHT OWL BY BRANDON SCOTT GORRELL

I AM THE OPPOSITE OF DRUNK RIGHT NOW

TODAY I DRANK A LARGE ORGANIC JUICE
WITH KALE, BEETS, AND CUCUMBER
I JUST DRANK A LARGE ICED COFFEE
I HAVE A LARGE COCONUT WATER WITH ME

ON MY KITCHEN COUNTER
THERE IS JEFFREY BROWN'S NEW BOOK
IT IS CALLED 'LITTLE THINGS'
I ENJOYED READING IT

THERE IS A PLASTIC BAG
WITH 'KIMONO' CONDOMS
THESE ARE NOT MY CONDOMS
THE PACKAGE IS UNOPENED

THERE IS A FORT IN THE LIVING ROOM
SITTING IN THE FORT WAS FUN

I AM HEALTHY

MY FRIEND GAVE ME HIS ID AND I BOUGHT A FORTY OUNCE CONTAINER OF PRIVATE STOCK BRAND MALT LIQUOR

MY FRIEND HAD A GLASS AND I HAD THREE GLASSES OR SOMETHING
I AM NOT DRUNK BUT I FEEL BETTER

I FEEL GOOD THAT I HAVE AN ID
IT LOOKS KIND OF LIKE ME
IT IS FROM WHEN MY FRIEND WAS YOUNGER
IT IS FROM WHEN MY FRIEND WAS MY AGE

I FEEL SAD
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE WORD DEPRESSED MEANS, EXACTLY

I AM GOING TO LISTEN TO NEW ORDER NOW
I THINK I FEEL DEPRESSED

THE FORT, THE FORT, THERE NEEDS TO BE MORE FORTS

THE FORT WE BUILT
LAST NIGHT
WAS PERFECT

ACTUALLY
IT WAS CRUMBY
AND FLIMSY

BUT SITTING INSIDE
WITH YOU
AND FEELING COMFORTABLE
LIKE I DONT
REALLY FEEL
WITH ANYONE ELSE
ANYWHERE ELSE
THAT WAS PERFECT

MY FRIEND
IS SUCH A GOOD FRIEND
TO ME
THAT IS YOU

I GOT YOUR
TEXT MESSAGE
AND THOUGHT
I MISS THE FORT TOO

JUAN PEDRO I KNOW YOU CALL ME JUST TO HEAR ME BREATHE

HOW MANY TIMES
CAN I ATTEMPT TO
REBUILD A RELATIONSHIP
THAT DEFLATED
WHEN YOU CHANGED YOUR NAME

HEARING "ZACK MALONE"
MAKES ME BUZZ
WITH A SORT OF
ANXIOUS FLIGHT
BUT YOU ARE NOW
JUAN PEDRO

ZACK MALONE
HE LEFT A WHILE BACK
WHEN YOU SKIPPED TOWN
WITH THE CARNIVAL
TO RUN THE TILT-A-WHIRL

BUT THAT WAS NOT
THE LAST TIME
I SAW ZACK MALONE

TWO WINTERS AGO
AROUND CHRISTMAS
WE SAT ON THE FLOOR
AT DAD'S HOUSE
AND WE TALKED ABOUT
THE ALAMO
AND HOW WE USED TO
BUILD IT OUT OF LEGOS
OBSESSIVELY
EVERY DAY
WE WERE IN LOVE WITH
THE ALAMO

I SAW ZACK FOR A MOMENT
IT WAS DISTINCT
I SAW HIM
AND I WAS SO OVERCOME
WITH EMOTION
I NEARLY VOMITED ON YOU
JUAN PEDRO
PEREZ HERNANDEZ

I WILL STILL PROTECT YOU
EVEN AS JUAN PEDRO
BUT ITS SOMETHING
TO THINK ABOUT
BEFORE BED
ON THE PILLOW

ZACK MALONE
IS NOT DEAD
BUT DOES NOT EXIST
HOW DO YOU
FUCKING MORN THAT?
SOMEONE WHO HAS DELT
WITH THIS BEFORE ME
TELL ME
EXACTLY HOW TO FEEL
ABOUT
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER
AND SCHIZOPHRENIA

I JUST TALKED TO YOU
ON THE PHONE
JUAN PEDRO
YOU CALL ME TOO MUCH
TO JUST SIT THERE
AND NOT TALK
BUT I PERMIT THIS
BECAUSE I KNOW
YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED
IN MY WORDS

YOU ARE WAITING TO HEAR
MY BREATH
ON YOUR END
OF THE RECEIVER

CHRIS KILLEN POEM (CUT AND PASTED FROM HIS BLOG TO HERE BY SAM PINK)

MY LEGS FEEL LIKE
12 pt. TIMES NEW ROMAN
THEY ARE ITALICISED
AND CURLING AROUND EACH OTHER
I WENT OUT FOR DINNER THIS EVENING
IN A PLACE WITH
A DEER HEAD ON THE WALL
I TOUCHED THE FACE OF THE DEER HEAD
AND LOOKED IN ITS FAKE EYES
AND WONDERED IF IT WAS FILLED WITH SAND
OH LORD
I WANT A KITTEN
NEXT CHRISTMAS
PLEASE MAKE THAT HAPPEN

ZACHARY AND I DO NOT OWN FAKE IDS

ZACHARY
DOES NOT OWN A FAKE ID

I
DO NOT OWN A FAKE ID

WE
LIVE IN MAJOR CITIES

I
AM NOT DRUNK RIGHT NOW

I ONLY CAN GET
DRUNK
WITH OTHER PEOPLE
IN A SOCIAL SITUATION
OLDER PEOPLE
OR PEOPLE WITH FAKE IDS
IN A MAJOR CITY

IF I WAS DRUNK RIGHT NOW
I'D USE BEING DRUNK AS AN EXCUSE
AFTER I PUNCHED A HOLE IN SOMEONE'S
BATHROOM WALL
AND THEN LEAVE A HUNDRED DOLLARS
IN THE HOLE

PUT ON YOUR RED SHOES AND LETS DANCE

SOMETIMES
I FEEL LIKE
THERE MIGHT BE
SOMEONE KEEPING
A RECORD
OF MY ACTIVITIES
WAITING FOR ME
TO BEHAVE IN A WAY
THAT IS
QUITE BAD
AND THEY CAN
SCOLD ME
AND SHIT TALK ME

WHAT THE
OMNIPRESENT THEY
SHOULD KNOW
IS I AM ALMOST
ALWAYS DOING
SOMETHING
BAD
THAT THEY
COULD SCOLD ME
AND SHIT TALK ME
FOR

THE MAJOR PROBLEM
WITH WHAT THEY
ARE WAITING FOR
IS THAT
I HAVE A CONFIDENCE
THAT COMES FROM YEARS
OF DEALING WITH
FUCKED UP EXPERIENCES,
NOT FROM EGO
SO WAITING
FOR THE MOMENT
OF BEHAVIOR
FOR SHIT TALKING
OR SCOLDING
WONT WORK
BECAUSE THIS CONFIDENCE
COMES FROM
SOMETHING
MUCH TOO FUCKED
UP TO REVOKE FROM ME

THAT RETARDED BROTHER
AND THAT HORRIBLE NIGHT
WITH A RUFFEE AND FIVE
BOYS
WHEN I WAS FIFTEEN
AND THE BI POLAR
SUICIDAL SISTERS
AND MOTHERS
AND DEAD BROTHERS
AND PATHOLOGICAL PASTS
AND THE I HATE KENDRA CLUB
THEY GAVE ME THIS

AND THE PARTICULAR
OMNIPRESENT THEY
CAN EAT SHIT
CAUSE THEY SHOULD KNOW
THEY ARE WASTING
THEIR FUCKING TIME
BOTHERING
SOMEONE
WHO HAS ALREADY
BEEN
BOTHERED
BEYOND

THIS PERSON
WOULD MUCH RATHER
PLAY DAVID FUCKING BOWIE
AND DANCE
LIKE A FUCKING SPAZZ
ALONE IN HER
KITCHEN
AND NOT DWELL
ON ALL THAT SHIT

I AM GOING TO MAKE YOU WATCH THE SADDEST MOVIE EVER MADE

TOMORROW
WE ARE GOING TO WATCH
A MOVIE
THAT I GOT
IT IS MY FAVORITE MOVIE
OR AT LEAST
VERY CLOSE
TO MY FAVORITE

IT IS
WITHOUT A DOUBT
THE SADDEST MOVIE
EVER MADE
I WANT TO SEE YOU CRY
I HAVE SEEN
AND HEARD MANY
THINGS FROM YOU
BUT I HAVE NOT SEEN
A MOVIE MAKE YOU CRY
AND THAT IS
IMPORTANT TO ME
I WANT YOU TO CRY

I WILL NOT CRY
I HAVE SEEN THE MOVIE
TOO MANY TIMES
BUT MAYBE
SOMETIMES
IT STILL MAKES ME CRY

IT WOULD BE NICE
IF WE BOTH CRIED
IT WOULD BE
A BOND
OR MAYBE NICER
IF WE BOTH WATCHED
THE SADDEST MOVIE
EVER MADE
AND NEITHER OF US
CRIED
WE WOULD BOND
BECAUSE WE BOTH KNOW
WE ARE ALREADY
FAR TOO SAD
TO BE MOVED
BY THE SADDEST
MOVIE EVER MADE

LETS WATCH
THE SADDEST MOVIE
EVER MADE
AND TALK ABOUT
SADNESS
YOU ARE EASY FOR ME TO
TALK TO
AND BE NATURAL AROUND
LETS DO THIS

LETS WATCH
THE SADDEST MOVIE
EVER MADE
TOGETHER
TOMORROW NIGHT

I AM NOT DRUNK AT ALL BECAUSE I DO NOT HAVE A FAKE ID

I AM NOT DRUNK AT ALL BECAUSE I DO NOT HAVE A FAKE ID
I LIVE IN A MAJOR CITY

IF I HAD A FAKE ID I WOULD WALK TO THE BEER STORE AND BUY A SIX PACK OF TEN POINT SIX OUNCE BOTTLES OF ELEPHANT BRAND MALT LIQUOR
IT COSTS NINE DOLLARS AND FIFTY CENTS FOR A SIX PACK OF TEN POINT SIX OUNCE BOTTLES OF ELEPHANT BRAND MALT LIQUOR

I LIVE IN A MAJOR CITY
I THINK IT IS STUPID THAT I DO NOT HAVE A FAKE ID

WHEN THE SHIT SINKS SHIAT STINKS

I SNEEZED ON SOMEONE ON THE BUS THE OTHER DAY.
THEY HAD GOTTEN ON WITHOUT A PASS AND WERE HOLDING A BOTTLE WITH A PAPER BAG AROUND IT.
I ASKED WHAT WAS IN IT.
THEY DIDN'T RESPOND.
SO WHEN THE SUN CAME INTO VIEW I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF.
THE SMALL PARTICLES OF PHLEM FLEW INTO THE AIR CREATING A NUCLEAR CLOUD IN FRONT OF MY FACE.
THEN SOMEONE ASKED ME WHAT TIME IT WAS.
I LOOKED ON THE MACHINE IN MY POCKET AND SAID TIME TO GET A WATCH.
THEY ROLLED THEIR EYES AND PULLED THE CORD TO STOP.
A QUARTER DROPPED FROM THEIR POCKET WHEN THEY LEFT AND A HOMELESS MAN WITH RIPPED SLIPPERS PICKED IT UP AND STARTED CHEWING ON IT.
HE WINKED AT ME AND SAT ON A FAT LADYS LAP.
I FELT LIKE A DRINK SO I GRABBED THE DRINK OF THE PERSON NEXT TO ME AND TOOK A HIT.
THE SHIT TASTED LIKE WARM SPARKLES WRAPPED IN SOUR WARHEADS.
NEXT THING I KNEW I FELT A SLAP IN MY FACE AND THE HARD ASSFAULT AGAINST THE PALM OF MY HANDS.
I KNEW I WAS IN FOR IT.
I GLANCED OUT OF THE CORNER OF MY EYE AND SAW THE BUS ROLL AWAY.
I WAS AT MY DESTINATION.

SHITSLITS

I POURED PUMPKIN SEEDS
ALL OVER THE
FUCKING TABLE
AND DIDN'T FEEL ANY
REMORSE ABOUT
MY ACTIONS AT ALL.
I JUST HEARD LAUGHER.
THE WHISKEY HELPED
THEM STICK TO THE WOODEN
TABLE THAN
ANY SORT OF GLUE
YOU COULD FIND IN A
WALGREENS.
IT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA TO
TAKE A TOWELL FROM A BAR
TO CLEAN YOUR BODY
AFTER A SHOWER.
IT'S A PITY I LEARNED THAT
LATER IN LIFE.
ENCRUSTATIONS, YA KNOW?
I BOUNCED A QUARTER
INTO A CUP TONIGHT
AND GOT GOOSEBUMPS
THAT EXPLODED ONTO
OTHER PEOPLES FACES
THAT I DIDN'T REALLY
GIVE A FUCK ABOUT
BESIDES THE FACT THAT
THERE WAS ANOTHER
HUMAN AROUND.
I RODE THE
TRAIN THE OTHER DAY
WITH A WOMAN CLAIMING
TO HAVE
HIT SOMEONE WITH A HANDICAPP
STICK TO SIT DOWN
AND REST THEIR WEARISOME LEGS.
WHEN I COMMENTED ON HOW
SEXY HER NEW CALVES WERE
SHE PAID FOR MY DRINK
TOUCHED MY KNEE AND WINKED
IN MY DIRECTION
PROCLAIMING, "WISDOM=AGE"
I SMILED AND WE TONGUED FOR
MOST OF THE NIGHT.
WE LEFT THE BAR
AND I HAD BACON IN MY MOUTH.
WEEEE/

I FEEL SICKLY

KENDRA SAID I DON'T HAVE TO GET DRUNK
TO WRITE POETRY ON THIS BLOG
I FEEL SICKLY, IT FEELS LIKE
MY HEART IS A BRIGHT EYES CD
ENCRUSTED WITH LAYERS
OF HONEY AND AGAVE NECTAR
SO THAT IT DOESN'T WORK
AND TYPING THIS POEM
IS LIKE TRYING TO CLEAN IT
BY LICKING IT A LOT
OR USING MY TEETH TO SCRAPE
THE LAYERS OF SHIT OFF THE CD
BUT MY MOUTH IS ON MY HEAD
WHICH IS NOT NEAR MY HEART
IT IS AN IMPOSSIBLE TASK
I WONDER IF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE
I FEEL LIKE IT MIGHT NOT AT ALL
I FEEL A LITTLE AMUSED NOW
I FEEL SICKLY AND AMUSED
I WILL GO BACK TO SLEEP

I FEEL GOOD

I WAS DRUNK SOMETIMES TONIGHT MAYBE
I FEEL GOOD RIGHT NOW
I LEFT MY KEYS IN MY ROOM
I DIDN'T WANT TO DISTURB ANYONE
SO I CAME TO THE LIBRARY
IT IS 4:58 A.M.
I AM GOING TO DO THINGS ON THE INTERNET
I HAVE GOOD FEELINGS
TOWARD MANY HUMAN BEINGS RIGHT NOW
I DON'T FEEL ANY HATRED OR DISCOMFORT
I FEEL NICE AND GOOD AND GRATEFUL
I WONDER IF A DEPRESSED PERSON
WILL READ THIS AND FEEL MORE DEPRESSED
WHEN I READ SOMETHING VERY DEPRESSING
SOMETIMES WHEN I FEEL GOOD RECENTLY
I FEEL DEPRESSED
I CAN UNDERSTAND
WHY SOME PEOPLE DISLIKE READING
JEAN RHYS OR RICHARD YATES SOMETIMES
I HAVE NOTHING MORE TO TYPE HERE NOW

4 DOLLAR CHAMPAGNE

ELO IS MY FAVORITE BAND
"MR. BLUE SKY" IS MY
FAVORITE SONG
EVER
I USED TO LISTEN TO IT
EVERY MORNING
WJHEN I WORKED IN
A WAREHOUSE
IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO HAVE
A BAD DAY
AFTER THAT SONG
IT NEVER ENDS

I HAD A BAD DAY
THERE WAS A EMAIL
CIRCULATING
THAT TALKED MASSIVE SHIT
ABOUT ME
BUT I WENT HOME
AND PUT ON THE SONG
THAT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD
AND TALKED TO PEOPLE
WHO ALSO
MAKE ME FEEL GOOD

AND I DO
FEEL GOOD
AND I MADE VALENTINES
FOR PEOPLE WHO
MAKE ME FEEL GOOD
WHILE DRINKING 4 DOLLAR CHAMPAGNE

AND FOR ABOUT
26 MINUTES
IM NOT GOING TO THINK
ABOUT PETTY GOSSIP
EMAILS
OR BROKEN BROTHERS
OR MASSIVE COLLEGE DEPT
OR YOU KNOW
ALL THE REST OF THAT CRAP
THAT KEEPS ALL OF US
UP AT NIGHT
WORRYING

INSTEAD
IM GOING TO THINK
ABOUT MY BEAUTIFUL ROOMMATE
WHO IS ON HER WAY HOME
AND HOW WHEN SHE GETS HERE
WE WILL FOOL AROUND
MAYBE
SHE IS SO FUCKING SEXY
MY ROOMMATE
AND WE ARE OPEN
AND MELLOW
AND SHE DOESNT GIVE
A SHIT

QUOTED FROM GCHAT WITH MR. PINK

I AM EATING A TORTILLA AND SWISS CHEESE
I AM KINDA DRUNK
IM GONNA MASTURBATE SOON I THINK

WARM FEET

MY FEET ARE WARM NOW
AT THE END OF TODAY
THAT WAS ALL I COULD
THINK OF
WAS THAT ALL I WANTED
WAS WARM TOES AND SOLES

IN THE BEGINNING OF THE DAY
ALL I THOUGHT I WANTED
WAS A PLEASANT WORKING SCHEDULE
NO PHONE CALLS FROM FAMILY
NO ONE TO PANIC AROUND ME
AND A GENERAL CASCADING
FEELING OF TENDERNESS
FOLLOWED BY
AN EVENING WITH MY FRIEND
AT HIS HOUSE
MAKING VALENTINES
WITH A HUSTLER MAGAZINE
AND PASTE AND DOILIES

MY FRIEND AND I
WOULD SIT
AND NOT TALK
JUST BE HAPPY TO BE
TOGETHER
BECAUSE THIS FRIEND OF MINE
AND I HAVE TRADED SOME
PARTICULARLY KIND
SENTIMENTS TOWARD
EACH OTHER RECENTLY
AND I APPRECIATE HIM

BUT THE DAY WENT ON
AND ONE LITTLE ACHIEVABLE
GOAL AFTER THE OTHER
DISSOLVED
UNTIL I CAME HOME
AFTER BEING AT WORK
FOR NEARLY 14 HOURS TODAY
AND I PUT ON THE
SLIPPERS MY MOTHER SENT ME
THE ONES I LIKE
THAT YOU CAN ONLY GET
BY GOING TO THE RESERVATION
UP NORTH IN MINNESOTA

I PUT THEM ON MY FEET
THAT WERE COLD AND WET FROM
WALKING TOO FAR IN THE ICE RAIN
AND ACCOMPLISHED AT LEAST
ONE VERY SMALL GOAL
AND I FELT LIKE
A JOKE
THAT SOMEONE GOT INTERRUPTED
BEFORE THEY COULD FINISH

FUCKYOUFUCKOFFLEAVEMEALONEGETAWAY

EVERYONE IN THE WHOLE WORLD
TAKE NOTE
LEAVE ME ALONE

I AM NOT IN THE MOOD
TO TALK
LEAVE ME ALONE
LEAVE ME ALONE
LEAVE ME ALONE

I AM AGITATED
AND PRONE TO LASH OUT
VIOLENTLY

GUT ME WITH A GRAPEFRUIT SPOON

MY CHEEKS ARE RADIATING HEAT
I CAN FEEL IT
FLOWING OFF MY FACE
I LOOKED IN THE MIRROR
I AM
FLUSHED

I AM AT WORK
I CANT GO HOME
I HAVE TO FINISH MY WORK
I DONT WANT TO BE HERE
ANYMORE

I CAN HOWEVER
DRINK BEER AT MY DESK
WHILE I WORK
SO LONG AS IT IS AFTER
FIVE OCLOCK

SOMEONE RECENTLY SAID
THAT I AM MENTALLY ILL
I WANT TO SLAP HIM
BECAUSE HE USES LANGUAGE
OF MIDDLE CLASS BOURGEOIS
IDIOTS
CALLING EVERY LITTLE THING
A MENTAL FUCKING ILLNESS

I KNOW MENTAL ILLNESS
I KNOW RETARDATION
MENTAL ILLNESS
IS WHEN
YOUR BROTHER CALLS YOU
AT FIVE AM
SCREAMING GIBBERISH
DUE TO A MENTAL BREAK DOWN
EVERYDAY
FOR FIVE DAYS STRAIGHT

THAT IS MENTAL ILLNESS
IT IRRITATES ME
WHEN PEOPLE USE THE TERM
AS A WEAPON
IT IS CHILDISH
AND REPUGNANT
BECAUSE MENTAL ILLNESS
CANNOT BE HELPED
AND IS
EXTREME IN ITS NAUTRE

YOU KNOW MENTAL ILLNESS
WHEN YOU HAVENT SLEPT IN DAYS
BECAUSE YOU KNOW
SHOCK THERAPY IS MAKING A
TERRIFYING COME BACK
FOR TREATMENT
OF SOCIOPATHS
AND YOU HAVENT SLEPT IN DAYS
BECAUSE YOU ARE AFRAID
THAT IF YOU ARE NOT AWAKE
WHEN THE PHONE RINGS
THAT YOUR BROTHER
MIGHT GUT SOMEONE WITH A
GRAPEFRUIT SPOON
BECAUSE HE IS TERRIFIED
OF HIS OWN VISIONS

THAT IS FUCKING MENTAL ILLNESS
IT IS NOT MENTAL ILLNESS
WHEN A GIRL
WHO HAS A CRUSH ON YOU
SENDS YOU PROVOCATIVE PICTURE
OVER THE INTERNET
AND TRIES VERY HARD
TO IMPRESS YOU

IT IS NOT MENTAL ILLNESS
WHEN SHE DECIDES
THAT YOUR STRANGE WAYS
OF COMMUNICATING WITH HER
MAKE HER UNCOMFORTABLE
AND SHE DECIDES
TO MAYBE AVOID YOU A LITTLE
WHEN YOU TELL HER THINGS
LIKE THAT YOU WANT
TO IMPREGNATE HER

MY CHEEKS ARE FLUSHED
BECAUSE THERE ARE
BOURGEOIS ASSHOLES
AND RETARDED BROTHERS
AND UNREQUITED LOVE
AND TOO MUCH WORK
AND TOO MUCH DEPT
AND NOT ENOUGH AFFECTION
AND NO ONE
TO TELL THIS STUPID PETTY SHIT TOO
EXCEPT A LITTLE DIALOG BOX
ON A COMPUTER SCREEN

MY CHEEKS ARE FLUSHED
BECAUSE I WISH
I WAS THE ONE
MY FUCKING RETARDED
MENTALLY ILL BROTHER
WOULD GUT WITH
THE GRAPEFRUIT SPOON

I THINK I SAW ZACHARY GERMAN DRUNK

I THINK HE DRANK MORE THAN ONE 40 OZ
FOUR 40 OZS WERE IN THE ROOM
I DRANK ONLY A LITTLE, ZACHARY GERMAN
MAY HAVE FINISHED MY 40 OZ
THAT SOMEONE ELSE BOUGHT

WE PUT ON 36 CHAMBERS
BY WU TANG CLAN
WE WERE PLAYING POKER
ZACHARY GERMAN
WAS SAYING THE WORDS AND RAPPING

EARLIER WE HAD LISTENED
TO LEFTOVER CRACK AND CHOKING VICTIM
WE HAD MADE SOME COMMENTS ON THIS

ZACHARY GERMAN WAS REALLY FUNNY
AFTER DRINKING THE ALCOHOL
THERE SEEMS TO BE NOTHING
MORE I CAN THINK OF TO TYPE

I SLIPPED IN THE BATHTUB TONIGHT

I SLIPPED
TONIGHT
AND FELL IN
THE BATHTUB
IT WAS NOT SO
BAD
THE BRUISES
ACQUIRED WERE MINIMAL

TODAY
WAS A SHITTY DAY
I WAS REMINDED
OF A MAN
I USED TO FANCY
WHO HATES ME
RATHER IRRATIONALLY
ALTHOUGH I CAN
SEE WHERE HE IS COMING FROM
AND THAT IS WHY
I DONT BOTHER
TRYING TO CHANGE HIS MIND
IVE BEEN
WERE HE IS,
EMOTIONALLY SPEAKING
BUT HE WOULD NOT
AGREE WITH THAT STATEMENT
HE WOULD THROW
TEN DOLLAR WORDS AND
PHRASES IN
YOUR DIRECTION
TO EXPLAIN
AN IRRATIONAL EMOTION
BECAUSE HE WOULD RATHER BE
RIGHT
THAN CONNECT WITH PEOPLE
IN A WAY
THAT LASTS FOR
MORE THAN A FEW MONTHS
WHATEVER

I SLIPPED
IN THE BATHTUB TONIGHT
AND FELL
BUT THAT IS OKAY
I WONT HOLD IT
AGAINST ANYONE
BECAUSE IT WAS MY FAULT
AND I AM OKAY
WITH THAT

SUPER LOL BREAKDOWN PLEASE KILL ME AND END MY MISERY

I AM HAVING A SUPER LOL BREAKDOWN.
I CANT HANDLE IT.
I AM LOL-ING NON-STOP
AND IT IS LOUD.
I CAN’T HANDLE IT.
I THINK I AM GOING TO DIE.
I WANT TO DIE.
SOMEBODY KILL ME AND END THIS LOL-ING.
IT IS KILLING ME AND I HATE MY LIFE.
I AM WALKING TO MY OVEN AND TURNING THE GAS ON.
I WILL BANG MY HEAD WITH THE DOOR UNTIL I AM UNCONSCIOUS.
I WILL SLEEP AND INHALE THE GAS AND DIE.
I HAVE TO ESCAPE THIS LOL-ING.

PAINFUL GENDER REASSIGNMENT STAPLE GUN STEROID INJECTIONS FAST FOOD ANKLE STABBING MATERNAL CRUCIFIXION

GOOD=ME
SO FUCK YOU.

FLOWERS INFINITE POODLES FUZZ

GIANT INFINITE CHLOE STARS TAO
SPINDLE SASQUATCH VALEDICTORIAN TAO
BLATANT POODLES
SEAFISH VOLCANO WITCHES TAO
TIMELESS POODLES TIME-COLLAPSE INTO BRITNEY SPEARS' HOUSE
SAM LUTFI INSANITY
BRITNEY NAKED PENIS SEX BIRTH CANAL
PREGNANT TOM CRUISE
OUTER SPACE POODLES

BY ELLEN FRANCES AND TAO LIN 2008

NASA

IT'S THE TENTH DIMENSION
AND THE AIR IS THICK
THERE ARE THINGS THAT LIVE INSIDE IT.
CALLING YOUR NAME.
EATING YOUR FOOD.

THERE ARE SUNS DIEING AND BEING BORN
THERE WERE FOUR EARTHS BORN THIS YEAR
EARTHS JUST LIKE OURS
AND I THINK WE WILL DIE
BEFORE WE CAN COMPREHEND
THE BEAUTY OF WHAT HAS COME
AND GONE
IN OUR TIME.

-Ellen Frances Idontlikeit
in association with
Tao Lin's account

TOY POODLES DESERVE TO BE IN OURTERSPACE

COCONUTS ARE GOOD
BUT I DONT LIKE PEANUTBUTTER
I WANT A ROCKETSHIP
I WANT TO BE PART OF NASA
I OWN THEIR BED
TOY POODLES ARE REALLY SMART
IT IS SO TRUE

- ellen frances, tao lin, and kendra grant malone

I SAW TAO LIN DRUNK

WE WERE IN WASHINGTON SQUARE PARK
WHICH WE DID FREQUENTLY
DRINKING BEERS
AND SPARKS
TAO SAID
"WHAT IS SPARKS?"
I SAID
"ITS AWESOME"
SO WE DRANK SOME SPARKS
AND TAO LIKED IT
AND BECAME QUIET
AND HE SMILED A LOT
WE SAT IN THE FOUNTAIN
AND TALKED ABOUT THE RATS
BENEATH US
THEN I WALKED TAO
ACROSS THE STREET
TO THE LIBRARY
AND HE BALANCED
BOTH OUR EMPTY SPARKS
CANS
ON HIS PALMS
WITH HIS BACK PACK ON HIS HEAD
AND HE SAID
"I FEEL SO CALM"
AND I SAID
"ME TOO"
AND WE SMILED AT EACH OTHER
AND HE WENT INTO THE LIBRARY
AND I WENT HOME
I TALKED TO MY MOM
SHE SAID
"TAO SOUNDS LIKE AN ODD DUCK"
AND I SAID
"YES. I LIKE HIM"

DRINKING WINE ALONE ON A SUNDAY AFTERNOON, SITTING ON TOP OF A RAINBOW COLORED BLANKET, READING MY FRIENDS BOOK

I TRIED TO TAKE A NAP

BUT

I WAS JUST A LITTLE NERVOUS

AND COULDN'T SLEEP

SO I SAT UP

AND WROTE A LETTER

TO MY MOST RECENT LOVER

MY TITS HURT

BECAUSE SHE SQUEEZED

THEM TOO HARD

I LIKED HER

BECAUSE SHE REMINDED

ME OF THE EX-BOYFRIEND

THAT I AM STILL

IN LOVE WITH

THE ONE

I WAS MARRIED TO

THIS IS FUCKING BORING

TO WRITE

LET ALONE

READ IM SURE

I DONT PARTICULARLY FEEL

LIKE STOPPING THOUGH

YOU MUST READ MY DRIBBLE

YOU KNOW,

I THINK THE PROBLEM IS

I HAVE NOT DRANK ENOUGH

I WILL DRINK MORE AND

GET BACK TO YOU

OK BYE FOREVER,

NO I MEAN THAT

BYE FOREVER

LATE NIGHT SNACKS

FUCK YOU.
I LOOKED AT AN ASS.
SHE MADE ME.
SHE FUCKING TEMPTED
ME INTO IT.
FUCKING BITCH.
SHE MADE ME BUY HER
THREE GODDAMN
DRINKS AND
I DON'T EVEN HAVE
ANY MONEY.
WE TRIED TO
TALK WHILE
DISCO MUSIC PLAYED
LOUDLY ALL
AROUND US.
YOU NODDED YOUR
HEAD AT TIMES SO
I NODDED MINE TOO
TO MAKE IT SEEM
LIKE I WAS IN THE MOMENT.
BUT I WAS
TRICKING YOU.
DON'T YOU KNOW
WHAT IS HAPPENING
HERE?
IM SMASHING
MY FOREFINGER
INTO A MOUSEPAD
WHILE
TRYING TO CONFESS
MY INNERMOST
TICKS ON THE
OVEN TIMER.
FUCK YOU.
REALLY.
I TALKED TO A BUM
ABOUT THINGS.
SHE CALLED HERSELF
MS BLOWJOB.
WHEN SHE
WAS GIVING ME ONE
I DIDN'T REMEMBER
ANYTHING.

TONIGHT A GUY TOUCHED MY ASS WHILE TALKING ABOUT HIS SISTER

WE WERE WALKING DOWN THE STREET

TO THE TRAIN

AFTER VISTING HIS FRIENDS AT

THE BAR

WE WENT HOME

CAUSE HE WAS TIRED

WE WERE TALKING ABOUT 

OUR FAMILIES

AND HE STARTED TALKING ABOUT

HIS SISTER

AND WHILE TALKING

ABOUT HER

HE SLIPPED HIS HAND UP

MY SHORT SKIRT

AND HIS FINGERS

FELT MY ASS

AND I LIKED IT

EVEN THOUGH

HE WAS TALKING ABOUT

HIS SISTER

AND SAID THE WORD 

"BITCH" 

RIGHT WHEN HE TOUCHED 

MY ASS

YEAH

I STILL LIKED IT

I SAW KENDRA GRANT MALONE DRUNK

SHE IS NOT LIKE MOST
DRUNK PEOPLE WHEN DRUNK
SHE DIDN'T ACT LIKE AN ASSHOLE
OR BECOME INCOHERENT
SHE MOVED FASTER
AND SKIPPED AROUND
THE CORNER OF A TABLE
TO GET TO A PERSON
TO TALK TO THEM
OUTSIDE A POLICEMAN
WANTED TO ARREST HER
SHE WAS NOT ARRESTED
ANOTHER POLICEMAN
WAS NICE TO HER
THE NICE POLICEMAN
WOULD BE NICE DRUNK I THINK
THE OTHER POLICEMEN
IF THEY WERE DRUNK I THINK
WOULD HAVE SCREAMED
THINGS LIKE...I DON'T KNOW
I CAN'T THINK OF SOMETHING
I FEEL DRUNK
I THINK I BECOME QUIETER
WHEN DRUNK
I CAN FOCUS MORE
ON WHAT THE OTHER PERSON
IS SAYING
THE SOUNDS THEY ARE CREATING
HAVE MEANING
I AM NOT 'CONSUMED'
BY THOUGHTS ABOUT
WHAT MY FACE LOOKS LIKE
IF I APPEAR INSANE OR NERVOUS
HOW TO STOP THOSE THINGS

ANXIOUS

I'M ANXIOUS
MY SHOES ARE TOO TIGHT
MY FEET ARE GOING TO BLEED
AT THE ANKLES
AND MY JEANS ARE TOO TIGHT
THEY'RE CUTTING THROUGH MY ABDOMEN
BUT I CAN'T TAKE THEM OFF
THERE ARE PEOPLE
AND WE HAVE TO WATCH LOST
BUT I WILL TAKE MY SOCKS OFF
MY FEET CAN'T BREATHE AND WILL DIE
AND LOST WILL PLAY AND HOPEFULLY
I'LL FORGET ABOUT MY CUT IN HALF BODY
BECAUSE OF THESE FUCKING JEANS
AND THIS BELT
BUT I DON'T HAVE UNDERWEAR
AND THIS PARTY WOULD BE DRAMATIC
IF I TOOK OFF MY PANTS
AND TOLD PEOPLE THEY WERE CUTTING ME
THEY'RE CUTTING ME IN HALF!

THERE ARE THINGS I'VE STARTED

THERE ARE THINGS I'VE STARTED
THERE ARE THINGS I'VE STARTED
LET'S GET TOGETHER
AND ROLL AROUND
IN BLANKETS
I DON'T HAVE A COMFORTER
I WILL SEW MYSELF INSIDE ONE
I'LL TRY
YOU'LL HELP BECAUSE YOU SEW
WHEN DID YOU LEARN TO SEW?
I FEEL LIKE YOU'D HAVE AN INDIAN
GRANDMOTHER, OR SOMETHING
TO TEACH YOU
SEW
CHILD
SHE WOULD SAY
WE COULD WALK OUTSIDE
IT'S COLD
BUT THE GRASS IS WET
AND SO WE'LL PLAY BOARDGAMES
ON THE GRASS
LET'S ORGANIZE THAT
GRASS MONOPOLY
IT'S GREEN
WE'LL MAKE MILLIONS

I FEEL DRUNK SOMETIMES IN NORMAL SITUATIONS

LISTENING TO SOMEONE TALK
I THINK I FEEL DRUNK

MY FACE FEELS DRUNK
SOMETIMES IN SOCIAL SITUATIONS

I DID NOT DRINK ALCOHOL
BUT I FELT DRUNK

I SAW MY CO-WORKERS DRUNK

AT THE WORK PARTY
TWO DRUNK CO-WORKERS
HUGGED AND FELL DOWN
AND KNOCKED OVER A BENCH
IN A BAR

OTHER PEOPLE WERE DRUNK
SOMEONE TOLD ME
THAT THE YEAR BEFORE
'BEN' GOT DRUNK
AND FELL DOWN

I DON'T WANT TO TYPE
MORE HERE ABOUT THIS
BECAUSE SOME OF IT
IS IN MY NEXT NOVEL

I SAW BLAKE BUTLER DRUNK

I WAS AT THE LIBRARY
I WENT TO MY APARTMENT
THEY WERE THERE
SOME PEOPLE
BLAKE BUTLER WAS THERE
I SAT BY KENDRA
BLAKE BUTLER ASKED ME
IF I WANTED RUM AND COKE
I DID NOT WANT THAT

LATER HE WAS QUIET
SUDDENLY HE WAS DRUNK
WITHOUT DRINKING MORE ALCOHOL
I MADE HIM A SMOOTHIE
AND HE DRANK IT
AND WAS DRUNK

I TOLD HIM HE WAS DRUNK
SUDDENLY AND HE LOOKED AT ME

WHILE DRUNK HE TALKED
ABOUT DENNIS COOPER
SOME OTHER WRITERS
WERE MENTIONED

THE NEXT DAY
HE TALKED
ABOUT THE SAME THINGS
THREE TIMES I THINK

EACH TIME I SAID
YOU SAID THAT
WHEN YOU WERE DRUNK

PUKING INTO AIR

I REALLY WANT TO COMBINE
YOUR FACE WITH MINE
AND CREATE
SOME SORT OF HARMONY
IN A MOMENT OF
UTTER CHAOS.
IT REALLY WON'T TAKE
TOO LONG.
JUST SOME PATIENCE
AND A BOTTLE
OF SOMETHING
DELICIOUSLY
INSPIRING.
GO GET IT FOR
ME AND ADD ANOTHER
ICE CUBE.
I IMAGINE TALKING
TONIGHT BUT NOT.
I IMAGINE 'BEING'
TONIGHT BUT NOT.
IT'LL JUST BE MORE
OF THE SAME
AND I'LL BE OK WITH THAT.
AS LONG AS WE HAVE
THE FOG IN FRONT OF
OUR EYES.

*Daniel. You're writing is so influential that my subconcious puked the first part of this poem out without thinking about almost the exact poem you wrote. I was DRUNK. Golden god.

ILL KILL YOUR FIG LOVING FACE (WHILE YOURE SLEEPING, BEB)

I SWEAR IM A FIG SAM
PUT ME IN YOUR
MOUTH
AND DEVOUR ME

THE SECRET IS
IM COATED IN ARSENIC
AND I AM HERE
TO END YOU SWEET DARLING
DONT BE SO SAD
NO, PLEASE DONT CRY

I AM A FIG
I WAS NEVER LIVING
WHICH IS A LITTLE LIKE
BEING DEAD
SO WHEN I KILL YOU
I WILL BRING YOU CLOSER
TO ME, MY BABY

TAKE ME TO BED
AND PUT ME
GINGERLY IN YOUR MOUTH
I WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU
TO THE NEXT PLACE
WE ARE SUPPOSED TO
BE
A FIG AND A
DEAD MAN
IN LOVE
MADLY IN LOVE

I AM THE SADDEST GIRL IN THE WORLD

IM STTING IN MY BED
I WORKED 13 HOURS TODAY
IT WAS
EXHAUSTING

MY CAT IS WITH ME
DELORES
I ALSO CALL HER
LOLA
AND NIXON

I AM THE SADDEST
GIRL YOU KNOW
AND BELIEVE ME
YOU KNOW ME
I AM YOURS
FOR RELATING TO

BUT DONT EVEN
TRY TO COMPETE WITH ME
WHEN IT COMES TO
SADNESS
I WIN
THAT IS ALL

NO ONE IS AS SAD AS ME
MY SORROW
WILL TRIUMPH
AND SQUASH YOURS
TO THE DIRT
YOUR SADNESS WILL BE
SMOTHERED

I AM SO SAD
EVERYTHING I DO
IS IMBUED WITH SADNESS

I AM THE BEST
AT SMILING NO MATTER
WHAT
BECAUSE THE ONLY ONE
WHO COMES CLOSE TO ME
IN THE HIERARCHY OF SADNESS
IS MY MOTHER
AND OH WHAT A HARD LIFE
THAT LITTLE SWEDISH
WOMAN HAS HAD

AND MY SAD LITTLE
MOTHER
LIKES IT WHEN I SMILE
SHE CALLS ME
HER
ITTY BITTY PRETTY ONE
AND HER SADNESS
IS QUALIFIED
IF I SMILE
FOR HER MY SMILE
MAKES LOOSING A
FIVE YEAR OLD
IN A FREAK SLEDDING ACCIDENT
OKAY SOMEHOW

I AM DRUNK

JUST KIDDING I AM NOT DRUNK
I AM EXTREMELY 'HEALTHY'
I AM THE 'HEALTHIEST' 'PERSON' I KNOW I THINK
JUST KIDDING ABOUT THE QUOTATION MARKS
AROUND THE WORD 'PERSON'
THAT WAS STRANGE, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANT
MAYBE IT MEANS SOMETHING
I DON'T KNOW
I AM HEALTHY I THINK
I USED TO BE VEGETARIAN
AND NOT EAT SHITTY FOODS
'SHITTY FOODS' INCLUDES ANYTHING
WITH 'ARTIFICIAL FLAVORS'
THEN I BECAME VEGAN
AND DISTRUSTED EVEN 'NATURAL FLAVORS'
TODAY I DISTRUST EVEN 'GRAINS' AND 'BREAD'
I DISTRUST ANY KIND OF SUGAR
THAT IS NOT AGAVE NECTAR
I DO NOT MIX FOOD GROUPS OFTEN
I EAT MOSTLY RAW FOOD
OR IF I EAT COOKED FOOD
IT IS STEAMED VEGETABLES
STEAMED VEGETABLES
YOU CAN SEE ME EATING BROCCOLI
IF YOU GO TO MY BLOG

IF I AM WITH OTHER PEOPLE
I WILL EAT SHITTY FOODS, THAT'S OKAY
IT DOESN'T MAKE A GIGANTIC DIFFERENCE

I AM NOT REALLY VEGAN, I WILL EAT EGGS
IF SOMEONE IS GOING TO THROW THEM AWAY
IT IS JUST EASIER
TO SAY I AM VEGAN THAN EXPLAIN THAT
'EASIER' MEANS LESS TIME LECTURING
AND DOING OTHER ABSTRACT THINGS
LIKE TALKING ABOUT THINGS
AND MORE TIME DOING CONCRETE THINGS
THAT INVOLVE CASH

CASH IS POLITICS

WHERE YOU SPEND YOUR CASH

ONE VOTE MAKES A TINY DIFFERENCE
THE TIME YOU WAIT IN LINE TO VOTE

YOU CAN STEAL FROM CORPORATIONS
AND VOTE WITH THE MONEY
PROBABLY MORE EFFECTIVELY
I DON'T KNOW
A COMPUTER CAN CALCULATE
THE EXACT METHOD
FOR BEING BETTER THAN OTHER PEOPLE
IN TERMS OF BEING MORE MORAL
I DON'T HAVE THE PROCESSING POWERS
TO TALK ABOUT THIS MATHEMATICALLY
AND CONCLUDE THINGS

THE MAIN GOAL IS
TO HAVE MORE MEANING IN MY LIFE
TO 'STAVE OFF' DEPRESSION
AND MEANINGLESSNESS

WHICH DOES NOT NEGATE 'SINCERITY'
OR SOMETHING
BECAUSE 'SINCERITY' IS AN ABSTRACTION
WHO IS REALLY GOOD AND WHO IS NOT?
THAT DOES NOT 'MATTER' IN THIS WORLDVIEW
THAT BASES ACTIONS ON CONCRETE REALITY
CAUSE AND EFFECT
PAIN AND SUFFERING IN CONCRETE REALITY
WORLDVIEW, CONCRETE REALITY, PAIN
AND SUFFERING, AND CAUSE AND EFFECT

IF I PLAYED MONOPOLY WITH SOMEONE
I WOULD WANT RULES
SO THAT IT COULD BE 'FUN'

ACTUALLY I WOULD LIKE TO PLAY
WITHOUT RULES ALSO
BUT ONLY IF I LIKE THE PERSON
AND IT WOULD ACTUALLY BE FUN

THERE WOULD STILL BE RULES

RULES OF 'ETIQUETTE' AND 'TACT' OR SOMETHING

I DON'T KNOW

SHIT STORM

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU
I DON'T CARE AS MUCH
ANYMORE
ABOUT ANYTHING INCLUDING
WHAT WE DO.
NOTHING IS WORKING ANYMORE.
NOTHING MAKES ANY SENSE.
YOU ACT DIFFERENTLY
AMONGST OTHERS
AND AREN'T YOURSELF.
MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIPS
ARE GREAT UNTIL
THEY BECOME A FUCKING
PAIN IN THE ASS.
YOU MIGHT READ THIS.
YOU MIGHT NOT.
IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER EITHER WAY.
I DON'T THINK YOU CARE ABOUT
WHAT I WRITE
OR WHAT I'M DOING.
I DON'T THINK ANYONE DOES.
AND I LIKE IT LIKE THAT.
I LIKE THE FACT THAT
I CAN BE BLUNT.
IM NOT SURE WHAT IS GOING
TO HAPPEN BUT
I DON'T WANT TO BE AN ASSHOLE
FOR SOME REASON.
'THE WORLD IS TOO FUCKED'
FOR ANOTHER ASSHOLE
TO COME ALONG AND
SHIT ONTOP OF
EVERYTHING HE'S EVER DONE.
BUT I MIGHT BE THAT PERSON.
THAT GUY WHO IS
SELF DESTRUCTIVE IN NATURE.
WHO QUESTIONS
EVERY FUCKING THING HE DOES.
THIS POST WON'T
GET READ.
NO ONE WILL CARE.
THIS BLOG JUST SHIT ON ITSELF
AND I LOVE IT.

I AM GOING TO STEAL YOUR BLOOD I SWEAR.

I WILL SMUGGLE YOUR BLOOD SOMEWHERE—
ALL OF IT.
I HAVE THE NECESSARY BAG—
A BAG THAT WILL HOLD EXACTLY ALL OF YOUR BLOOD.
AND WHERE I TAKE IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
I WILL TAKE IT SOMEWHERE YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN THEN
HYDRATE THE GROUND WITH IT.
I AM GOING TO STEAL YOUR BLOOD I SWEAR.

BLATANTLY “METAPHORIC” POEM NUMBER ONE

YOU WILL BE COMPARED TO A GARAGE FLOOR
BECAUSE YOU ARE A COLD FUCKING UGLY THING
AND EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE I SPILL GAS ON YOU—
THAT’S HOW YOU’RE LIKE A GARAGE FLOOR
YOU FUCKING GARAGE FLOOR.

BLATANTLY “METAPHORIC” POEM NUMBER TWO

YOU ARE AN UGLY GARDEN

AND I WILL SET UP A SPIDERWEBBED FOLDING CHAIR ON
WHATEVER YOU GROW AND SIT THERE AND PISS ON MY THIGHS

AND LET THE PISS INTO THE GARDEN
AND KILL ALL LIFE—

I WILL ALSO KILL YOU WITH MY TEETH
AND GO AS LOW AS THE GROUND ALLOWS.
YOU ARE AN UGLY GARDEN YOU FUCKING UGLY GARDEN.

LET'S FUCK PLEASE

I WILL DRINK A BOTTLE OF SOME KIND OF PERFUME
(PROBABLY SOMETHING CHEAP)
AND POKE A HOLE IN MY STOMACH
AND LET YOU DRINK THE PERFUME OUT
WITH A CRAZY STRAW.

WTWTDUUT

SOMETIMES I APOLOGIZE FOR MY BODY ODOR
BEFORE SOMEONE SMELLS IT
SO IT SEEMS LIKE IT’S THEIR FAULT
FOR BEING SO SUPERFICIAL.

THE NEXT TIME I TAKE A SHOWER
I’M GONNA WASH MY ARMPITS
BECAUSE
THEY SMELL REALLY BAD EVEN TO ME RIGHT NOW.
I AM ANNOYED THAT I HAVE TO SMELL OK FOR OTHER PEOPLE.

FTE3YFET

I WANT TO FUCK KATIE COURIC
UNTIL OUR GENITALS BURST INTO FLAMES.
THEN I WILL ROAST US EACH A SINGLE MARSHMALLOW OVER THE FIRE
AND WE CAN SIT TOGETHER ON MY COUCH
UNFLINCHINGLY BRAINDEAD.

BWEFKKEWJEBWKJ

IF I EVER GET INTERVIEWED ON TV
I AM GOING TO SHIT MY PANTS
AND JUST SIT THERE LIKE I’M OK
THEN WAIT AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

THING FOR JUSTIN DANIEL AND KENDRA

HI JUSTIN DANIEL & KENDRA.
I WAS JUST WONDERING,
WHEN WILL I BE GETTING MY ROYALTY CHECKS?
I HAVE A PRETTY REALLY EXPENSIVE HEROIN HABIT
AND I FEEL SICK AS FUCK RIGHT NOW.
OH, WAIT, HEH, I’M WATCHING ‘BLOSSOM.’ THAT WAS FUNNY. OK WHAT WAS I SAYING?


XOXOXOXOXOX

I THINK IT'D BE COOL TO HAVE AN ALCOJOLIC GIRLFRIEND

(A CONVERSATION BETWEEN SAM PINK AND *JUSTIN RANDS)



I WANT TO HAVE AN ALCOJOLIC GIRLFRIEND.

I WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ME. AND IS JUST THERE.

*I HAD A ALCOJOLIC GIRL LIKE THAT ONCE.

*WE USED TO DRINK A HANDLE OF WHISKEY AND WANDER INTO GROCERY STORES AND HIT EACH OTHER WITH HUGE PIECES OF CELERY UNTIL ONE OF US GAVE UP.

IT'D BE NICE TO GET BEAT UP ALL THE TIME TOO.

SHE'D PUNCH MY MOUTH AND THE LIPS WOULD SPLIT OPEN.
MY TEETH WOULD BREAK OUT OF MY FACE AND I'D BLEED ALL OVER.

I'M SORRY ABOUT BLEEDING ON YOUR TILE, ALCOJOLIC GIRLFRIEND.
I WON'T DO IT AGAIN.

BUT YOU WON'T CARE.
AND THAT'S WHY I LOVE YOU, ACOJOLIC GIRLFRIEND.

*I USED TO MAKE HER BLEED. SHE'D USED TO THINK IT WAS FUNNY TO HIDE UNDER THE BED AND BITE THE BACK OF MY ANKLES WHEN I SAT DOWN.

*WHEN I PULLED HER OUT AND THREW HER ACROSS THE ROOM HER EYES WERE INTENSE AND BLEEDING.

*THEY WERE LIKE CATERPILLARS. FUCKIN SHITTAPILLARS WITH MENACING TEETH.

EVEN IF YOU VERBALLY ABUSED ME
AND SAID MY GENITALS SMELLED LIKE COOL RACH DORITOS—I'D STILL LOVE YOU, ALCOJOLIC GIRLFRIEND BUT I WOULD ALSO SAY, "MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP EATING COOL RANCH DORITOS THEN SWEETIE."

*MY LAST GIRLFRIEND NEVER ATE.

*I'D WANT MY NEW ONE TO EAT A HUGE FUCKING STEAK WITH A SHIT LOAD OF A1 SAUCE.

*AND WHEN SHE WAS DONE AND WANTED TO FUCK WE'D USE THE A1 SAUCE AS LUBE AND SLAP EACH OTHERS FACES WHILE SHE YELLED "GIDDY UP"

*YA GOTTA SLEEP SOMETIME THOUGH....

WE CAN SLEEP WITH OUR BACKS TURNED.
THAT PART I LIKE.

AND WHEN YOU THREATEN ME WITH YOUR BUTTERFLY KNIFE I WILL LAUGH IN YOUR FACE.
I WILL BE READY TO BITE YOUR CHIN OFF AND WATCH YOU PASS OUT.

I AM READY TO SHOVE LEGOS IN YOUR MOUTH UNTIL THEY SLASH THE INSIDE OF YOUR THROAT. YOU'LL TOTALLY HATE ME.
I WILL FUCK YOU BRUTALLY.

*BRUTALLY IS THE ONLY WAY. WHEN SHE COMES AT YOU WITH A BAT AND A BOTTLE OF JACK KICK HER IN THE THIGH AND SMASH HER BOTTLE WITH THE BAT SO IT SPRAYS ALL OVER THE ROOM.

DANIEL

I HAVE NEVER MET YOU DARLING
BUT I CAN
IMAGINE
YOU ARE SOFTER THAN
YOU COME ACROSS
I CAN SENSE YOUR
TENDERNESS
I CAN SEE YOU
BEHIND YOUR INSTRUMENT
MAKING THE MUSIC
THAT I LOVE

DANIEL
IT IS SO WEIRD
AND I WANT TO
PRESERVE YOU
THE WAY I KNOW YOU
WHICH FEELS SPECIAL
LIKE NO ONE ELSE KNOWS YOU
IN THIS SPECIAL WAY
I KNOW YOU

DANIEL
I THINK
WE HAVE
A BOND
THAT ONLY YOU
AND I
UNDERSTAND
AND THERE IS
NO WAY TO
EXPLAIN IT TO ANYONE
REALLY

JUST WHEN PEOPLE
ASK ME ABOUT YOU
(AND THEY DO)
ALL I CAN SAY IS
"I ADORE DANIEL"
AND IT IS TRUE

KENDRA

I’VE NEVER MET YOU BUT
I IMAGINE YOU ON YOUR BED
WITH YOUR BACK AGAINST THE WALL
DELORES BESIDE YOU
BLINDS UNDONE
YOU CAN SEE SPACE FROM THERE
WHEN YOU THINK OF BEING LOST
YOU IMAGINE A DESERT
NOT THE SAHARA
BUT THE KIND RIPPED WITH CACTI AND SCORPIONS
IT IS A FOREST WHOSE CANOPY YOU CAN SEE ABOVE
YOU ARE WALKING AND THEN A CAR
YOU OPEN THE CAR DOOR AND REMOVE A SKELETON
YOU DRIVE ALL THE WAY HOME
FIRST TO MINNESOTA
THEN TO NEW YORK
THEN WHEREVER

JUSTIN

I’VE NEVER MET YOU BUT
I IMAGINE YOU PLAYING VIDEO GAMES
IN A WAREHOUSE MADE OF CUBICLES
YOU HIT A AND THEN B
AND THEN BOTH AT THE SAME TIME
AND THEN SOMETHING HAPPENS
YOU FEEL GOOD FOR A SECOND
YOU HIT PAUSE
YOU LIKE IT
YOU TAKE A DRINK OF VODKA
YOU THINK THESE RUSSIANS ARE BRILLIANT
THEY MAKE ALCOHOL FLAVORED ALCOHOL
YEAH
THE MOST UNPRETENTIOUS THING EVER
AND THEN YOU UNPAUSE
THE GAME HAS STARTED AGAIN
AND YOU ARE THERE AND EVERYTHING IS NOTHING AGAIN

SAM

I’VE NEVER MET YOU BUT
I IMAGINE YOU WITH A KNIFE IN YOUR HAND
STARING AT THE MIRROR
LOOKING AT SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOURSELF
YOU SAY I WILL KILL YOU
BUT YOU ARE ONLY KIDDING
THE OTHER UNDERSTANDS
THE OTHER SAYS, I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT
YOU SAY, TELL ME WHAT I WANT
THE OTHER SAYS, TO FUCK MY TITS
UNTIL BUBBLEGUM AND ALSO EXISTENCE FALLS
OUT OF MY ANUS AND WRAPS ITSELF
AROUND YOUR FEET WHERE ALL WILL FAIL
THEN YOU WILL WRITE IN YOUR BLOG
ABOUT GETTING KILLED BY ATOMIC BUBBLEGUM
AND SOMEONE WILL COMMENT BLOGGERSTYLE
THEN YOU WILL DISS THEM LOVINGLY
YOU WILL TYPE THE DISS WITH YOUR DICK
I WILL LAUGH

DANIEL

I’VE NEVER MET YOU BUT
I IMAGINE THIS POEM IS PRETTY RIDICULOUS

TAO LIN

KENDRA SUGGEST THAT YOU THINK I HATE YOU
I DON’T HATE YOU
YOU ARE A GOOD POET
AND ALSO FUNNY
I JUST DON’T EVER KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO YOU
I CAN’T THINK OF ANYTHING TO SAY TO YOUR BLOG POSTS
OR ABOUT YOUR STORIES OR POEMS
ONE TIME SOMEONE IN A POETRY CLASS MENTIONED YOU
HE SAID, I DON’T LIKE TAO LIN’S POETRY
I SAID IT IS PRETTY GOOD I LIKE IT
HE SAID, HIS FICTION IS BETTER
I AGREED WITH THAT
I LIKE YOUR FICTION MORE THAN YOUR POETRY
I AM DRUNK, TAO LIN
I NEED TO SOBER UP BEFORE I GO TO WORK

P.S.
IF YOU WANT I CAN GIVE YOU THE NAME OF THE PERSON IN MY CLASS
THAT DIDN’T LIKE YOUR POETRY SO YOU CAN KICK HIS ASS.
I WANT THIS HERE LINE TO RHYME BECAUSE I AM FULL OF SASS
OR CLASS
WHICHEVER
FUCK IT
I DON’T CARE

REFLECTIONS ON DAVID LETTERMAN (BLAKE BUTLER TRIBUTE MINUS THIRTY)

(FOR THOSE WHO DON’T KNOW DAVID LETTERMAN GRADUATED FROM BALL STATE UNIVERSITY IN MUNCIE INDIANA WITH A DEGREE IN TELECOMMUNICATIONS WHERE I AM CURRENTLY WORKING ON A DEGREE IN CREATIVE WRITING)

1. DAVID LETTERMAN WAS A C STUDENT
2. I AM A BORDERLINE A/B STUDENT
3. I WILL NEVER RECEIVE THE ACCOLADES OR FANDOM OR ANYTHING THAT LETTERMAN RECEIVES
4. LETTERMAN FUNDS A SCHOLARSHIP AT BALL STATE FOR C STUDENTS
5. I AM INELIGIBLE FOR THIS SCHOLARSHIP
6. I KNOW A GUY AT BALL STATE NAMED PAUL SCHAEFFER
7. HE IS A SMART GUY
8. HE IS WAY LESS ANNOYING THAN LETTERMAN’S PAUL SCHAEFFER
9. I’M PRETTY SURE HE IS INELIGBLE FOR THAT SCHOLARSHIP TOO
10. ONE TIME I MET BALL STATE PAUL SCHAEFFER AT A PARTY AND WE WENT OUTSIDE AND SMOKED AND I CLIMBED A TREE AND HE LAUGHED AND THEN LATER I THOUGHT ABOUT PUKING BUT DIDN’T
11. A FEW MONTHS AGO DAVID LETTERMAN VISITED BALL STATE UNIVERSITY; HE WAS RECEIVED WITH MUCH APPLAUSE AND RESPECT
12. (I DIDN’T ATTEND THIS EVENT)
13. I WAS LATE TO CLASS ON THIS DAY BECAUSE THE BUS DIDN’T DRIVE THROUGH CAMPUS; THE MAIN ROAD WAS CLOSED OFF FOR LETTERMAN’S SAKE
14. I ARRIVED AT SPANISH CLASS AND THE PROFESSOR LOOKED AT ME; YES, I WAS LATE
15. I GOT A C IN THAT CLASS
16. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT SPANISH CLASS
17. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT DAVID LETTERMAN
18. SOMETIMES THE GAP BETWEEN HIS TEETH IS FUNNY
19. YEARS OF ORTHODONTIC WORK FAILED ME
20. LETTERMAN HAS WRITERS; HE HAS A TOP TEN LIST CALLED “TOP TEN EXCITING NEW DEVELOPMENTS IN TELEVISION”; THE NUMBER 1 ITEM IS THIS: INTERACTIVE TEST PATTERN; I AM OUT OF REASONS TO CARE

I THINK MAYBE THUNDER ROAD

MUST BE ONE OF THE GREATEST SONGS EVER
“I JUST CAN’T FACE MYSELF ALONE”
NO ASSHOLE WOULD WRITE THAT LINE
IN SUCH AN UPBEAT SONG
SPRINGSTEEN KNOWS
HE CAN MAKE HIS GUITAR TALK
THERE ARE WORDS HE AIN’T SPOKE
THERE IS SOMETHING
I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THAT SAXOPHONE MEANS

WHY MUST POETS PERSIST IN THINKING THEY’RE IMPORTANT

WE’RE ONLY COMEDIANS WITHOUT THE JOKES
I’M GOING TO END THIS ONE WITH THE WORD
PISSFUCKASSHITDICKCUNT

I WANT TO PLAY THAT GAME I WANT TO PLAY PRETEND WHY WONT YOU PLAY WITH ME?

SAM
WHEN IS IT
WE CAN GET
MARRIED?
WAIT NO
MARRIAGE IS FUCKED

I WAS ONCE MARRIED
TO A BEAUTIFUL MAN
WELL NOT REALLY
BUT I MET THIS MAN
IN A COFFEE SHOP
AND WE DECIDED TO
TELL EVERYONE WE
GOT MARRIED
AND PEOPLE BELIEVED IT
SO WE KEPT UP THE LIE
FOR OVER THREE YEARS

WE WERE IN LOVE
ME AND THIS BEAUTIFUL MAN
HE CALLED ME WIFE
BRIAN WAS HIS NAME
HE WAS SO BEAUTIFUL
THIS BRIAN

MY HUSBAND
HE KISSED MY FOREHEAD OFTEN
AND SAID THINGS LIKE
"A KISS ON THE FOREHEAD BEFORE BED"
AND DID MANY THINGS
TO MAKE ME LAUGH
AND WE WERE THE END
WE WERE SO POSITIVE

MY HUSBAND
HE LEFT ME
BECAUSE I AM
A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR
AND IT MADE HIM UNCOMFORTABLE
BUT THERE WAS LOVE
I THINK A LOT OF LOVE

I WORE A WEDDING RING FOR
THREE YEARS
AND NOW
BRIAN
HE IS MY BEST FRIEND
HE IS MY BROTHER
WHICH IS WEIRD
CAUSE I HAVE
SUCKED HIS DICK
MANY TIMES
AND SIBLINGS
DONT DO THAT

I WAS MARRIED
SAM
LETS GET MARRIED
OR AT LEAST LETS LIE
TO PEOPLE
AND TELL THEM WE
ARE MARRIED
PLEASE I WANT
TO PLAY THAT GAME AGAIN

I CANT SEEM TO FALL ASLEEP WITHOUT CRYING INTO MY PILLOW FIRST- ITS REALLY NOT AS DRAMATIC AS IT SOUNDS, ITS JUST A HABBIT IVE FORMED

TODAY HE SAID TO ME
YOU SEEM HAPPIER IN PERSON
AND I WAS TOUGH
AND DID NOT CRY WHEN
HE SAID THAT
THOUGH
I MIGHT HAVE

HE SAID TO ME
YOU SEEM HAPPIER IN PERSON
AND WE WERE IN A COFFEE SHOP
IN A YUPPIE PART OF TOWN
THAT I DONT LIKE

WHEN HE SAID THAT
I WAS THINKING ABOUT
MY RETARDED BROTHER
AND HOW
HE RECENTLY HAD
A PSYCHOTIC BREAK
AND THERE WAS NOTHING
I COULD DO
AND I WANTED TO STAB
MYSELF WITH THE FORK ON
THE TABLE

BUT I HAD THE SENSE
TO REALIZE
THAT THAT WOULD BE BAD
AND MAKE HIM UNCOMFORTABLE
SO I SMILED
AND SAID "YEAH"
AND CHANGED THE CONVERSATION
TO SOMETHING LIGHTER

I WAS STILL THINKING ABOUT
MY BROTHER
HE WONT LIVE LONG
HIS DOCTOR ONCE TOLD ME
EVERY TIME HE IS
HOSPITALIZED
I FIGURE IT IS THE LAST TIME

YOU SEEM HAPPIER IN PERSON
HE SAID
AND IT RANG AND RANG
FUCK IT
I SUPPOSE IM HAPPY ENOUGH
CONSIDERING THE INEVITABLE

I SAT THERE ACROSS THE TABLE
AND WONDERED
IF HE THOUGHT I SEEMED HAPPIER
IN PERSON
WHEN I CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP
RIGHT NEXT TO HIM
IN MY BED
LIKE I HAVE FORMED A HABBIT
OF THIS YEAR
AND I REALIZED
HE PROBABLY DIDNT HEAR ME
I MAY AS WELL HAVE BEEN ALONE
SORT OF

FORMAN GRILL

JAMESON WAS DRANK TONIGHT.
NOW I FEEL LIKE SOMEONE HAS HIT ME IN THE FACE WITH A HOT PILLOW SEVERAL TIMES.
THE MICROWAVE WENT OFF.
I HEAT MY TUNA UP.
I PUT THE TIMER AT 50 SECONDS.
I COUNTED DOWN BUT IT FINISHED SOONER THAN I THOUGHT.
I'M TOASTING MY BREAD TOO.
I'M NOT SURE IF I HAVE CHEESE.
I SURE HOPE I DO.
I KNOW I DO BUT IT'S TOO SOFT TO USE A CHEESE GRADER.
CHEEESEEE GRADERRR.
THE MICROWAVE JUST WENT OFF.
MY SMALL GOAL IS TO CONSUME FOOD IN THIS MOMENT.
MY SMALL GOAL IS TO LIVE IN THE MOMENT.
BUT THEN YOU MIGHT BE TOO AWARE.
AWARE OF ANXIETIES.
MY HEAD IS ON MY LEFT SHOULDER AND I'M WRITING THIS WITHOUT LOOKING.