I THINK IT'D BE COOL TO HAVE AN ALCOJOLIC GIRLFRIEND

(A CONVERSATION BETWEEN SAM PINK AND *JUSTIN RANDS)



I WANT TO HAVE AN ALCOJOLIC GIRLFRIEND.

I WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ME. AND IS JUST THERE.

*I HAD A ALCOJOLIC GIRL LIKE THAT ONCE.

*WE USED TO DRINK A HANDLE OF WHISKEY AND WANDER INTO GROCERY STORES AND HIT EACH OTHER WITH HUGE PIECES OF CELERY UNTIL ONE OF US GAVE UP.

IT'D BE NICE TO GET BEAT UP ALL THE TIME TOO.

SHE'D PUNCH MY MOUTH AND THE LIPS WOULD SPLIT OPEN.
MY TEETH WOULD BREAK OUT OF MY FACE AND I'D BLEED ALL OVER.

I'M SORRY ABOUT BLEEDING ON YOUR TILE, ALCOJOLIC GIRLFRIEND.
I WON'T DO IT AGAIN.

BUT YOU WON'T CARE.
AND THAT'S WHY I LOVE YOU, ACOJOLIC GIRLFRIEND.

*I USED TO MAKE HER BLEED. SHE'D USED TO THINK IT WAS FUNNY TO HIDE UNDER THE BED AND BITE THE BACK OF MY ANKLES WHEN I SAT DOWN.

*WHEN I PULLED HER OUT AND THREW HER ACROSS THE ROOM HER EYES WERE INTENSE AND BLEEDING.

*THEY WERE LIKE CATERPILLARS. FUCKIN SHITTAPILLARS WITH MENACING TEETH.

EVEN IF YOU VERBALLY ABUSED ME
AND SAID MY GENITALS SMELLED LIKE COOL RACH DORITOS—I'D STILL LOVE YOU, ALCOJOLIC GIRLFRIEND BUT I WOULD ALSO SAY, "MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP EATING COOL RANCH DORITOS THEN SWEETIE."

*MY LAST GIRLFRIEND NEVER ATE.

*I'D WANT MY NEW ONE TO EAT A HUGE FUCKING STEAK WITH A SHIT LOAD OF A1 SAUCE.

*AND WHEN SHE WAS DONE AND WANTED TO FUCK WE'D USE THE A1 SAUCE AS LUBE AND SLAP EACH OTHERS FACES WHILE SHE YELLED "GIDDY UP"

*YA GOTTA SLEEP SOMETIME THOUGH....

WE CAN SLEEP WITH OUR BACKS TURNED.
THAT PART I LIKE.

AND WHEN YOU THREATEN ME WITH YOUR BUTTERFLY KNIFE I WILL LAUGH IN YOUR FACE.
I WILL BE READY TO BITE YOUR CHIN OFF AND WATCH YOU PASS OUT.

I AM READY TO SHOVE LEGOS IN YOUR MOUTH UNTIL THEY SLASH THE INSIDE OF YOUR THROAT. YOU'LL TOTALLY HATE ME.
I WILL FUCK YOU BRUTALLY.

*BRUTALLY IS THE ONLY WAY. WHEN SHE COMES AT YOU WITH A BAT AND A BOTTLE OF JACK KICK HER IN THE THIGH AND SMASH HER BOTTLE WITH THE BAT SO IT SPRAYS ALL OVER THE ROOM.