REFLECTIONS ON DAVID LETTERMAN (BLAKE BUTLER TRIBUTE MINUS THIRTY)

(FOR THOSE WHO DON’T KNOW DAVID LETTERMAN GRADUATED FROM BALL STATE UNIVERSITY IN MUNCIE INDIANA WITH A DEGREE IN TELECOMMUNICATIONS WHERE I AM CURRENTLY WORKING ON A DEGREE IN CREATIVE WRITING)

1. DAVID LETTERMAN WAS A C STUDENT
2. I AM A BORDERLINE A/B STUDENT
3. I WILL NEVER RECEIVE THE ACCOLADES OR FANDOM OR ANYTHING THAT LETTERMAN RECEIVES
4. LETTERMAN FUNDS A SCHOLARSHIP AT BALL STATE FOR C STUDENTS
5. I AM INELIGIBLE FOR THIS SCHOLARSHIP
6. I KNOW A GUY AT BALL STATE NAMED PAUL SCHAEFFER
7. HE IS A SMART GUY
8. HE IS WAY LESS ANNOYING THAN LETTERMAN’S PAUL SCHAEFFER
9. I’M PRETTY SURE HE IS INELIGBLE FOR THAT SCHOLARSHIP TOO
10. ONE TIME I MET BALL STATE PAUL SCHAEFFER AT A PARTY AND WE WENT OUTSIDE AND SMOKED AND I CLIMBED A TREE AND HE LAUGHED AND THEN LATER I THOUGHT ABOUT PUKING BUT DIDN’T
11. A FEW MONTHS AGO DAVID LETTERMAN VISITED BALL STATE UNIVERSITY; HE WAS RECEIVED WITH MUCH APPLAUSE AND RESPECT
12. (I DIDN’T ATTEND THIS EVENT)
13. I WAS LATE TO CLASS ON THIS DAY BECAUSE THE BUS DIDN’T DRIVE THROUGH CAMPUS; THE MAIN ROAD WAS CLOSED OFF FOR LETTERMAN’S SAKE
14. I ARRIVED AT SPANISH CLASS AND THE PROFESSOR LOOKED AT ME; YES, I WAS LATE
15. I GOT A C IN THAT CLASS
16. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT SPANISH CLASS
17. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT DAVID LETTERMAN
18. SOMETIMES THE GAP BETWEEN HIS TEETH IS FUNNY
19. YEARS OF ORTHODONTIC WORK FAILED ME
20. LETTERMAN HAS WRITERS; HE HAS A TOP TEN LIST CALLED “TOP TEN EXCITING NEW DEVELOPMENTS IN TELEVISION”; THE NUMBER 1 ITEM IS THIS: INTERACTIVE TEST PATTERN; I AM OUT OF REASONS TO CARE