THIS POEM IS ABOUT A RAT

I WAS A RAT AND I SAID FUCK HUMANITY
I SAT IN A PLASTIC CELL AND BURIED MY NOSE
IN SHREDDED NEWSPAPER AND LIFE WAS SHORT
MUCH SHORTER THAN THAN YOURS

I CANNOT LOOK AT MY FACE ANYMORE
WITHOUT LIKE
LIKE PITCHING A SOFTBALL
INTO A LAKE

I WAS A RAT AND I COULD BLOG ABOUT MY IDEALS
AND I COULD WRITE POEMS AND SAY SHIT ABOUT SHIT
I LEFT SHIT IN THE CAGE KNOWING YOU WOULD CLEAN IT UP
AND I LIKED WATCHING YOU CLEAN IT

I WILL NEVER PARTICIPATE
IN THIS THING
THIS UH
THIS THING THAT TASTES LIKE BATTERIES IN A WATERFALL

I WAS A RAT AND MY TAIL WAS NAKED
EVERYONE LOOKED AT THEMSELVES AND FELT HORNY
BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND LIFE AT ALL
I CAME TO LIFE AS A SUDDEN BURST OF MATTER

I DON'T TRUST A DAMN THING

BLACKOUTS FILL MY BRAIN.
I THINK ABOUT TONIGHT AND
HOW I WALKED ALONE FOR
SO LONG.
SITTING ON THE HANGING CHAINS
NEXT TO THE PARK,
WATCHING THE MOON.
IT LITE UP THE PARK JUST ENOUGH
TO VIEW THE SILHOUETTES OF THE TREES
AND THE HOUSES THAT WERE ASLEEP.
NO NOISE, NO NOTHING.
PERFECTION.
IT'S NICE TO BE ALONE.
NO ONE CAN RUIN A MOMENT IN
WHICH YOU THINK IS YOUR OWN.
IT'S YOURS.
THE STARS SHOWN BRIGHT
AND THE SPRINKLERS
MADE THE GRASS LOOK
LIKE A PRACTICE PUTTING GREEN
THAT YOU LAY IN THE HOUSE
WHILE THE T.V. IS ON IN THE BACKROUND.

I WANT MY STOMACH TO IMPLODE

LIFE CAN BE BEAUTIFUL
BUT ONLY IN SMALL OFFERINGS

I HAVE LOVED SO MANY PEOPLE LATELY
THAT IT HURTS TO THINK ABOUT
BECAUSE FRIENDS ARE HARD TO MANAGE
AND TO ACCEPT IT'S JUST HOW IT IS
AND IT WILL RARELY WORK OUT BUT I FEEL OK
THIS HAS BEEN OK

I KEEP FALLING ON KEYS
THIS POEM WANTS ACCIDENTAL KEY STRIKES
BUT I CAN'T GRANT THOSE
BECAUSE I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING

I CANNOT SAY IT
ATOMS CONTINUE TO MULTIPLY

SAY SOMETHING ABOUT THAT

LEAVE

THIS IS OK
BUT NOT GOOD

I SHOULD SAY

THE GREATEST SITCOM EVER
IS THE ONE WHERE GENE HACKMAN
DRINKS A FORTY AND THEN JANE FONDA
IS ACTUALLY GENE HACKMAN
BUT IT'S LIKE INSANE AND SHIT
BUT LIKE I HAVE NEVER BEEN HIGH IN MY LIFE
SO YOU KNOW WHAT? AM I RIGHT?

JESUS WANTS ME TO SHOOT DAN CONNOR
BECAUSE WHY WOULD HE EVER DO SOMETHING
ROSEANNE COULD KICK HIS ASS

JESUS JESUS JESUS
I KNOW HOW TO MAKE PANCAKES WITHOUT YOU

FUCK

AND BALLS

I'M NOT DRUNK BUT

I'M TRYING

LATELY I'VE SAT ON THE SOFA
LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW AT EVERY CAR THAT'S PASSED
I'M WORRIED
EVERY DOOR
EVERY IGNITION

I DON'T KNOW
IT'S LIKE EVERY ONE ALIVE CANNOT DEAL
WITH THE EXISTENCE OF EVERYONE ELSE ALIVE

I THINK IF I PLAYED GHANDI IN A MOVIE
WHERE GHANDI CARRIED A MACHINE GUN
AND USED IT TO SHOOT BIRDS
I WOULD BE A BETTER PERSON

I THINK IF I STARRED IN AN INFOMERCIAL
BEGGING THE STARVING CHILDREN
TO JUST FUCKING DIE ALREADY
I WOULD FEEL NO PAIN

I THINK IF I HAD MY SOUL SURGICALLY REMOVED
I WOULD KEEP IT IN A FORMALDEHYDE JAR
AND SHOW IT OFF AT PARTIES
AND MAYBE HAVE LESS TROUBLE IN LIFE

I LIKE SEEING PEOPLE FAIL
IT MAKES ME LIKE THEM MORE

ONE THING I WANT IS TO LIKE ALL PEOPLE MORE

PEOPLE SHOULD FUCK UP MORE
THERE'S NOTHING LIKE SADNESS AND REGRET
RIGHTFULLY EARNED

THERE'S NOTHING LIKE SHOWING UP DRUNK
TO YOUR OWN FUNERAL
AND PISSING IN THE CASKET

I WANT THE WORLD TO BE FILLED WITH CORAL REEFS
AND I WANT TO CUT MY FEET ON ALL OF THEM

I SOMETIMES WONDER WHAT WOULD HAPPEN
IF MY PARENTS READ MY POETRY
WOULD THEY SAY ANYTHING
I WONDER WHY THEY HAVEN'T JUST GOOGLED
"DANIEL BAILEY MUNCIE"
IT'S SO EASY
I FEEL LIKE THEY WOULD UNDERSTAND ME MORE
AND EVEN LEARN TO APPRECIATE THE SHIT THAT I THINK
NOT THAT THEY'RE NOT UNDERSTANDING
BUT I'M TRYING

HERE'S SOMETHING THAT WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY
I WANT A GIANT WOLF TO PUT ME IN ITS MOUTH
AND WRAP ME IN ITS TOUNGE LIKE A MUMMY
AND LET ME SLEEP IN ITS MOUTH FOR 3,00O YEARS

I REMEMBER SEVERAL VERSIONS OF MY BIRTH

ONCE WHEN I WAS BORN I LOOKED AT THE EARTH LIKE A FLY
I AM YOUNG AND GETTING YOUNGER
I COULD BE A MAGGOT THAT LOVES THE ENTIRE EARTH
THAT CAN ONLY LOVE
AND LOOK AT THE EARTH WITH ITS LOVE AND SAY HOW MUCH LOVE

ONCE WHEN I WAS BORN I WAS THE BLADES OF A LAWN MOWER
COATED WITH WET GRASS
OVER TIME I RUSTED AND SAT IN A SHED AND REMEMBERED BEING BORN
AS SOMETHING THAT I WOULD NEVER DO AGAIN

ONCE WHEN I WAS BORN I WAS THE SURGEON WHO DELIVERED ME
I LOOKED AT THE BLOOD ON ME AND SAID NOTHING
MY MOTHER SAID, "WHAT IS IT?"
I SAID, "I DON'T KNOW. SOMETHING"
I PUT ME DOWN AND MADE A LARGE DRINK AND SWALLOWED IT

GIANT WOLF, PUT ME IN YOUR MOUTH AND LET ME SLEEP
UNDER YOUR TONGUE WITH THE BLOOD THAT POOLS THERE
SOAK ME RED LIKE A NEWBORN

ON EARTH, BEFORE ALL OF THIS, I REMEMBER STAYING UP LATE
DRUNK, WALKING TO THE BATHROOM, BRUSHING MY TEETH
AND WASHING A LINE OF ANTS DOWN THE BASIN OF THE SINK

I FEEL THE SAME AS I HAVE ALWAYS FELT
BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN THAT I HAVEN'T CHANGED
THAT I HAVE NO NEW REGRETS

I LOOK AT THE EARTH AS A BROKEN LANTERN
WITH INTERMINABLE FIRE

RESOLUTION

IF I EVER DECIDE TO BLOW MY HEAD OFF
I WILL MAKE SURE TO STUFF MY MOUTH WITH CONFETTI
SO THAT IT LOOKS PRETTY FOR NO ONE.

TONIGHT PEOPLE SUCK (BUT SOME ARE GREAT) AND THIS IS NOT A POEM BUT AN HONEST RECOLLECTION

WE WENT TO THE HEOROT WITH LOUIS AND SARAH
THEY ARE GOOD AND GOOD PEOPLE
I DRANK A COUPLE FOREIGN BEERS
THAT WERE VERY STRONG
AND SAD ADAM'S CHERRY WHEAT
AND A FOSTERS
AND MAYBE THAT WAS IT

WE WERE DRUNK

WE HAD MANY BEERS
WE REQUESTED SONGS THAT DIDN'T GET PLAYED
THEY WERE LIKE UH...
THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS
AND TOOTS AND THE MAYTALS
AND SOME OTHER BANDS
THAT I CAN'T REMEMBER

WE LEFT DOWNTOWN
LOUIS GOT AN ENERGY DRINK
WE WENT TO THE VILLAGE
WHERE LIFE SUCKS

WE GOT SHITTY BEERS
THREE FLOYD'S "PRIDE AND JOY"
MEGAN MADE FUN OF A GUY
THE GUY CALLED HER A DYKE
FOR HAVING SHORT HAIR

THIS GUY IS LIKE 30 AND HANGS AROUND COLLEGE BARS
TRYING TO GET SEX FROM GIRLS THAT ARE BETTER THAN HIM

WE LEFT THE BAR AN HOUR AFTER CLOSE
WE WALKED DOWN THE STREET
SOME DRUNK ASSHOLES YELLED AT US
I DON'T KNOW WHAT EVERYONE ELSE YELLED
I YELLED SOMETHING ABOUT JAY-Z HAVING 99 PROBLEMS
AND THEM HAVING NONE
AND ABOUT THEIR PARENTS BUYING THEM SPORTS CARS
WE YELLED AT THEM
OR THEY TOLD ME NOT TO YELL
THEY BACKED UP AND SAID WHAT
I YELLED MORE ABOUT JAY-Z
I DON'T KNOW WHAT LOUIS AND SARAH AND MEGAN SAID
THEY DROVE AWAY

MEGAN CALLED THE COPS ABOUT A "SILVER MECHANISM" AND REPORTED THEM
AND REPORTED THEM FOR DRUNK DRIVING
THEN LOUIS CALLED THE COPS ON THEM
BUT GAVE THE WRONG NUMBER
HE REPORTED THEM FOR DRUNK DRIVING TOO

THEN WE KEPT WALKING

A VAN STOPPED BY US
THE DRIVER SAID
HAVE YOU SEEN A BLONDE RUSSIAN CHICK
I YELLED, CHECK THE INTERNET
THE OTHERS SAID, NO
THEY KEPT DRIVING
PEOPLE LAUGHED AT MY ANSWER
I THOUGHT, MY ANSWER IS THE BEST POSSIBLE ANSWER
I SHOULD BE A SENATOR OR SOMETHING
THEN MEGAN AND I PARTED WAYS WITH LOUIS AND SARAH
THEY ARE BOTH GOOD PEOPLE

THEN TWO COP CARS STARTED CHASING THE VAN
I DON'T KNOW
MUNCIE IS A STRANGE TOWN

MEGAN FELT BAD ABOUT HOW PEOPLE IN MUNCIE
ARE NOT KIND OR UNDERSTANDING
TOWARD PEOPLE WHO ARE DIFFERENT FROM THEMSELVES
WHY WOULD THEY CALL HER DYKES
I COULDN'T PROVIDE DECENT COMFORT
I HAD NO ANSWER
WE ARE HERE NOW
AND SHE IS EMAILING ANNA
AND I AM WRITING THIS
AND THINKING GODDAMMIT
BUT THERE IS NOTHING I CAN SAY

I DON'T WANT THIS TO SEEM LIKE TONIGHT SUCKED
I HAD A GOOD TIME AND ENJOYED THE COMPANY

BUT FUCKING COME ON
STUPID SHIT ALWAYS HAPPEN

THIS IS ON THE RECORD

DEAR MUNCIE COPS,

FUCK YOU.

SINCERELY,
DANIEL JAMES BAILEY

POETRY, I DID NOT MEAN FOR THIS POEM TO BE SO LONG

IF THE WORLD EXISTED
I WOULD KNOW IT
AND IT WOULD BE
AN EXPLOSION LIKE
UHH I DON'T KNOW
PROBABLY A MOTH
OR A SOCCER HOOLIGAN

MY PANTS WOULD PROBABLY
HUGE THEMSELVES INTO OBLIVION

1
2
3
4

THIS POEM WANTS ME TO KNOW
I CAN CUT IT IN HALF
WITH A DRUM SOLO

OR

A GUITAR SOLO

OR

SOCCER HOOLIGANS
DESTROYING MY HIGH SCHOOL

I REMEMBER HIGH SCHOOL...

IT WAS LIKE
UHH YEAH I DON'T KNOW
UHH FUCK AND SHIT
GAYS?
UHH...PUSSY?
AND SHIT?

ACTUALLY,
ALL I DID IN HIGH SCHOOL
WAS STAY HOME EVERY NIGHT
AND WATCH COMEDY CENTRAL

I HAVE SEEN EVERY EPISODE
OF COMEDY CENTRAL PRESENTS
AND PREMIUM BLEND
FROM 2003 OR EARLIER
AT LEAST 10 TIMES

MY POETRY SUCKED

IT WAS ALL LIKE:

DURR
I SUCK
THE PRESIDENT SUCKS
SO DOES LIFE
I HATE ME

THE NEW POETRY IS THIS:

SOCCER ARETHA PLASTIC HAVE THE UNIVERSE
FRENCH KNOWINGLY TIME DUST HEART
NOT REALLY
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT

POETRY IS SUPER GAY AND SHIT