I LIKE SHITTING IN MY PANTS (AND BY PANTS I MEAN YOUR MOUTH OR EAR OR YOUR GOLDFISH TANK OR YOUR GRANDMA'S LAP)

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ADVANCED PRAISE FOR "I LIKE SHITTING IN MY PANTS":

THE DEAD CRICKET IN MY KITCHEN SAYS, “RIVETING OR SOMETHING. OR SOMETHING ELSE OR MAYBE THE WORD ‘EVOCATIVE’ OR SOMETHING.”

THE DEER I SAW WHILE I WALKED THROUGH THE WOODS YESTERDAY SAYS, “PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE. I WILL RUN IF YOU COME ANY CLOSER. ALSO, STOP TRYING TO FEED ME BUDWEISER IN AN UPSIDE DOWN FRISBEE. I AM NOT THAT DESPERATE.”

GUY WHO LIVES NEXT DOOR TO ME SAYS, “YEAH, THAT LOOKS LIKE WRITING ALRIGHT, BUT I CAN'T REALLY SEE WELL BECAUSE YOU'RE HOLDING IT WEIRD.”
THE MAILMAN SAYS, “HERE'S YOUR MAIL.”

THAT ONE GIRL FROM CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL SAYS, "OH MY GOD I WANT SAM PINK TO FUCK ME UNTIL MY CLIT EXLODES LIKE ONE OF THOSE POPPER THINGS YOU THROW ON THE SIDEWALK AND IT EXPLODES BUT YOU ARE INVARIABLY DISSATISFIED. WHAT WAS I TALKING ABOUT? OH YEAH MY CLIT AND HOW I WANT IT BANGED WITH MURDEROUS ABANDON BY THAT HOT GUY. NO, NOT DANIEL BAILEY, SAM PINK."
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KENDRA WILL DIE.

DANIEL BAILEY WILL DIE (EVEN THOUGH HE IS HOT).

ZACHARY GERMAN WILL DIE.

KEN BAUMANN WILL DIE.

JUSTIN RANDS WILL DIE.

MIKE YOUNG WILL DIE.

TAO LIN WILL DIE.

BRANDON SCOTT GORRELL WILL DIE.

CHRIS KILLEN WILL DIE (UNLESS HE IS A MAGICAL WARLOCK).

CHELSEA MARTIN WILL DIE (BUT HER CORPSE WILL BE HOTTER THAN MOST OTHERS).

BRYAN COFFELT WILL DIE (BUT I HOPE HE PUTS OUT THE NEXT PINCH PINCH BOOK BECAUSE I AM IN IT).

THE HORSE IN THE FIELD ACROSS FROM MY APARTMENT, THE ONE WITH THE SNOW ON ITS BACK, WILL DIE.

I WILL DIE.

I WANT TO DIE IN A VALLEY, WHERE NOBODY, NO GOD WILL FIND ME.

I WANT TO BECOME AN APENDAGE TO THE AIR AND DISSOLVE.

I WANT PEOPLE TO TALK ABOUT ME WHEN I AM GONE.

I WANT THEM O TALK ABOUT HOW I AM GONE, BUT IN A FUNNY WAY, LIKE YOU'D DO WITH SOMETHING LIKE CRYSTAL PEPSI OR SNAP BRACELETS OR THOSE ZUBAZ PANTS (BELOW YOU WILL FIND A PICTURE OF A MAN WEARING ZUBAZ PANTS TO CLARIFY THIS OBSCURE REFERENCE).

WHILE I'M SLEEPING TONIGHT, PLEASE, COME AND DROP A CINDERBLOCK ON MY HEAD AND TURN MY HEAD INTO NOTHING.

DIP A PAINTBRUSH INTO THE GORE AND PAINT THE PHRASE “THIS IS REAL” ON THE WALL.
(THEN DRAW A KITTEN WITH A GIGANTIC PENIS THE TIP OF WHICH IS GILBERT GODFREY'S HEAD (BECAUSE I THINK THAT'D BE FUNNY))

NO ONE WILL REPROVE YOU.

YOU WILL BE A SAINT AS LONG AS YOU'RE ALIVE.

WHEN YOU GET TO HELL I WILL ACT LIKE I DON'T KNOW YOU AND I WILL TREAT YOU POORLY LIKE THOSE MOTORCYCLE KIDS DID TO DANIEL-SAN IN KARATE KID PART ONE.

MY MOM IS A LOT LIKE AN ASSHOLE BECAUSE BOTH HAVE BROUGHT SHIT INTO THE WORLD.