CATALOG X-RAY MUH ANKLE'S BROKE

DEAR UNCLE KRACKER I HAVE FOREBODING THINGS IN
MY HORRIBLE SHOES. FAILURES, DIKEY ROOMIES,
SAGE, SPLIT ENDS. BMX MANIFEST DESTINY CANKLES.

I LIKED THEIR OLD STUFF. MY FRIENDS KNOW HOW
TO LURE ME AND THEY KNOW HOW TO SCOLD ME. MY
LARIAT JUICE. WCW: SLAMDOWN. WHAT IT DO?

HANG DOWN THE MANGOS LIKE WHAT. GET UP
KIDS SLAVE DAYS UNDO LEVON HELM'S CORSET
JUICY FRUIT MULHOLLAND DRIVE FELL-DOWN.

BOURGEOIS SOCKS FOG MY YOUNG JEEZY
NECROSIS. CATTLE GUARD TAO LIN FIZZLE:
UM, CAN I TUG AT YOUR HEART WITH MY

NONCHALANCE? CAN I PUT IT ON YOUR
THRESHOLD, YOUR BODY? THE CHOW, THE
RUINS OF MAYBE SOME MORALS. MAYBE.

RICHARD LINKLATER

PEOPLE ARE EITHER FULL OF SHIT
OR THEY ARE NOT FULL OF SHIT.

SOMETIMES I KNOW TOO MUCH

EVERYTHING IS ATTAINABLE

I READ THAT IN A MAGAZINE
THE COVER WAS A PICTURE OF MY BODY
DISASSEMBLED BY A CARBOMB
I READ EVERYTHING IN THE MAGAZINE

I WANTED TO KNOW

THE ARTICLE STARTED WITH A QUOTE FROM SOME GUY
BUT FUCK I’M DRUNK AND DON’T REMEMBER IT
I READ IT TO MY DOG AND SHE FELL ASLEEP
I COULD’VE KICKED HER; SHE WOULD’VE LOVED ME STILL

WE ARE ALL HOLY
WE ARE ALL ASSHOLES; WE ARE ALL MOUNTAIN CLIMBERS
IT IS A STRUGGLE TO CLIMB THE SHOULDER OF GOD
IT IS PLAYING GUITAR WHILE PISSING STRAIGHT
HAVING A HARD TIME DEALING WITH DEATH
I’VE NEVER BEEN TO A FUNERAL
I’LL CRY FOR ANYONE
I’LL CRY FOR ANYONE

KNOWING TOO MUCH IS A BURDEN
A MOTH FLEW AROUND IN MY BREAD BAG
I TIED IT UP AND THREW IT AWAY
I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW

METAPHORPHOSIS IS IMPOSSIBLE
INSIDE A BREAD BAG, BUT, SURELY, LIFE BEGINS
AND I AM NOT AT LIBERTY TO DISSUADE ANYONE
FROM THE GLORIES OF LIFE AND GROTESQUETIES

IT PISSES ME OFF THAT SPELLCHECK
DOESN’T ACKNOWLEDGE THE WORD “GROTESQUIETIES”
OR EVEN ITS OWN NAME; I KNOW MORE THAN ALL
COMPUTERS CAN KNOW; THEY ARE LIMITED; THEY JOURNEY
THROUGH THINGS THAT SUCK AND DON’T SUCK (JUST LIKE US)

I JUST PLAYED A BLINK 182 GUITAR RIFF AND WASN’T EMBARASSED
I KNOW MORE OF THEIR RIFFS THAN RIFFS OF ANY OTHER BAND
THEY ONCE SAID THAT WHEN YOU’VE BEEN HERE FOR TOO LONG
TO FACE THIS ON YOUR OWN THAT IT MEANS YOU’RE GROWING UP

I DON’T EVEN KNOW

DEINONYCHUS

FLOAT MYSELF DOWN A FAST RIVER AT NIGHT
AT THE BEND A PRAYING DEINONYCHUS
TIED TO THE EARTH, LEANING TOWARD WATER
WATER TOUCHES THE BANK LIKE SOLDIERS
FLOAT MY BODY DOWN RIVER AND LET WATER
TOUCH ALL PARTS, EVEN THE SOFT HARD PARTS
NEVER EXPECT A PRAYER DOWN STREAM
PICK UP A FISH WITH MY TEETH AND THROW IT AGAINST A LOG
HEAD BUTT THE FISH INTO THE LOG UNTIL IT DIES
SCREAM CURSES AT THE FISH UNTIL IS BLEEDS ORANGE
AND RED AND PINK; SWIM BACK UPSTREAM AND KNEEL
BEFORE THE PRAYING DEINONYCHUS; LET IT EAT ME
CURL INSIDE THE DEINONYCHUS; PRETEND I’M A BABY DEINONYCHUS
PRETEND I WILL BE BORN AGAIN 100,000,000 YEARS AGO

FUCKING DRINK UNTIL I FUCKING DIE

IT IS A SOFT FUCKING TOUCHING
DON’T GIVE NO FUCKS
CRASH A BICYCLE INTO AN ASS
FALL AND DRINK
LOOK AT THE GROUND LIKE A PLACE
OF BURIAL AND FEEL NO BETTER

I HAVE BAD NEWS TO TELL MYSELF TOMORROW

THE DOOR IS HUGE AND GLASSES
IT IS AWESOME AND SHINY

I LOOK THROUGH IT
IT IS NIGHT
THERE IS A SANDWCH WAITING
LIKE A SPOON FOR AN EYESOCKET

I SAID THAT MAYBE

NO FUTURE I SAY MAYBE
STAND UP AGAIN
AND LOOK LIKE A DRINK
IT’S WHAT I DO

MORE OF

I AM SO MANY SMALL CHILDREN
KILLING WITH LAZER GUNS

TOUCH HER ON THE HEAD
MAKE A SMALL RELENTLESS THING
OF THE SPACE BETWEEN US

AND THAT IS NOTHING REAL

MAKE IT BIGGER
GET OVER PRIDE AND ADORNMENT

ANOTHER LINE OF DRINKING

I LOST SOMETHING
I CANNOT TELL
I CANNOT TELL
WE ARE HELL

I AM MADE GOOD
I AM A SWISS WATCH
ON THE WRIST OF SOMEONE BEAUTIFUL

THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS I’M ASKING FOR AND SOMETIMES I HAVE THEM

A SENSE OF WHAT MATTERS

A GOOD MOVIE TO WATCH

A VOICE TO HEAR

A BOTTLE OF WINE

A HALF BOTTLE OF GIN

AN ASS THAT DOESN’T QUIT

A CAT TO LICK THE SCREEN

A CONSTANT SENSE OF DOOM + LOVE + BELIEF THAT PEOPLE WILL HEAR AND UNDERSTAND

A WAY TO COMMUNICATE

AN UNDERSTANDING THAT SOMETIMES CARING ABOUT THOSE FUCKING ANNOYING EXISTENTIAL THINGS IS UNNECESSARY

OR SOMETHING

OR SOMETHING WORSE

FURNITURE IS SELFISH AND UNFORGIVING

I HAVE A TENDENCY NOT TO TRUST
FRIENDS OR LOVERS
MY CAT
SHE IS ALWAYS EYEING ME SUSPICIOUSLY
THIS GLASS I AM DRINKING OUT OF
MIGHT CRACK AND CUT MY FACE
THE FUTON I SIT ON
COULD COLLAPSE
AND I WOULD EITHER BE
BADLY HURT
OR EMBARRASSED
I AM VERY GOOD
AT KEEPING MY
SECRETS TO MYSELF
I'VE NEVER NEEDED TO
SEEK SHELTER OR APPROVAL
FROM ANYONE
NOT EVEN FROM
THE FUTON
ALTHOUGH
IT WOULD BE NICE
IF THE FUTON COMPLIMENTED ME
ONCE IN A WHILE

Button pushed
copy made.
DRUNK SHIT.

ADOPT A CHILD AND MAKE ITS BONES INTO A CEILING FAN

Every time I come home I stand in the doorway and say, “it’s time for a monster to eat me now.” Then it does.
When I go to bed and pull the covers open, I say, “it’s time for a monster to eat me now.” Then it does.
Every time I get out of bed I say, “It’s time for a monster to eat me now.” Then it does.
Every time I leave my home, I say, “It’s time for a monster to eat me now.” Then it does.

COPY AND PASTE

HILLARY CLINTON IS PEERING THROUGH YOUR WINDOW
HILLARY CLINTON IS SAYING 'FOR ALL INTENSIVE PURPOSES'
HILLARY CLINTON DRANK FROM YOUR GLASS
HILLARY CLINTON DOES NOT TELL YOU WHEN YOU HAVE SPINACH IN YOUR TEETH
HILLARY CLINTON WANTS TO KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS
HILLARY CLINTON CANCELLED YOUR TIVO SEASON PASS
HILLARY CLINTON IS STICKING HER FINGER IN THE PEANUT BUTTER JAR
HILLARY CLINTON THREW OUT YOUR FAVORITE PAIR OF SOCKS
HILLARY CLINTON USED THE LAST SQUARE OF TOILET PAPER
HILLARY CLINTON DOESN'T THINK YOU LOOK GOOD NAKED
HILLARY CLINTON SECRETLY HATES YOUR NEW HAIRCUT
HILLARY CLINTON DOES NOT BELIEVE IN UNREAL NUMBERS
HILLARY CLINTON DRANK FROM YOUR GLASS
HILLARY CLINTON ASKED FOR THAT WITHOUT BACON

all i want for xmas is you

I don’t want a lot for chrsitmad
there is just one thing I need
I don’t care about the presents
underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
more than you could ever know
make my wish come true
all I want for Christmas is you

I don’t want a lot for xmas
there is just one thing I need
and i
don’t care about the presents underneath the chsirtmas tree
I don’t need to hang my stovcking
there upon the fire place
santa cluas wont make me happy
with a toy on xmas day
I just want you for my own
more than you could ever know
make my wish come true
alli want for xmas is you

I don’t ask for much this Christmas
I wont even wish for snow
I just wanna keep on waiting
underneatht the mistletoes
I wont make alist and send it
to the north pole for saint nick
I wont even stay awake to hear those magic reindeer click
cos I just want you here tonight
holding on to me so tight
what more can I do?
baby all I want for xmas is you

oh baby
all the lights are shining
so brtightly every day
and the summer children laughter fills me
and everyone is singing
I hear those sleighbells ringing
santa wont you bring me what I really need
wont you please bring my baby to me

I don’t want a lot for xmas
this is all im asking for
I just want to see my baby
standing right outside my door
I just want you for my own
more than you could ever know
make my wish come true
baby all iwant for Christmas is you
all I want for christmad is you

I LIKE SHITTING IN MY PANTS (AND BY PANTS I MEAN YOUR MOUTH OR EAR OR YOUR GOLDFISH TANK OR YOUR GRANDMA'S LAP)

*********************************************************************************
ADVANCED PRAISE FOR "I LIKE SHITTING IN MY PANTS":

THE DEAD CRICKET IN MY KITCHEN SAYS, “RIVETING OR SOMETHING. OR SOMETHING ELSE OR MAYBE THE WORD ‘EVOCATIVE’ OR SOMETHING.”

THE DEER I SAW WHILE I WALKED THROUGH THE WOODS YESTERDAY SAYS, “PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE. I WILL RUN IF YOU COME ANY CLOSER. ALSO, STOP TRYING TO FEED ME BUDWEISER IN AN UPSIDE DOWN FRISBEE. I AM NOT THAT DESPERATE.”

GUY WHO LIVES NEXT DOOR TO ME SAYS, “YEAH, THAT LOOKS LIKE WRITING ALRIGHT, BUT I CAN'T REALLY SEE WELL BECAUSE YOU'RE HOLDING IT WEIRD.”
THE MAILMAN SAYS, “HERE'S YOUR MAIL.”

THAT ONE GIRL FROM CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL SAYS, "OH MY GOD I WANT SAM PINK TO FUCK ME UNTIL MY CLIT EXLODES LIKE ONE OF THOSE POPPER THINGS YOU THROW ON THE SIDEWALK AND IT EXPLODES BUT YOU ARE INVARIABLY DISSATISFIED. WHAT WAS I TALKING ABOUT? OH YEAH MY CLIT AND HOW I WANT IT BANGED WITH MURDEROUS ABANDON BY THAT HOT GUY. NO, NOT DANIEL BAILEY, SAM PINK."
**********************************************************************************

KENDRA WILL DIE.

DANIEL BAILEY WILL DIE (EVEN THOUGH HE IS HOT).

ZACHARY GERMAN WILL DIE.

KEN BAUMANN WILL DIE.

JUSTIN RANDS WILL DIE.

MIKE YOUNG WILL DIE.

TAO LIN WILL DIE.

BRANDON SCOTT GORRELL WILL DIE.

CHRIS KILLEN WILL DIE (UNLESS HE IS A MAGICAL WARLOCK).

CHELSEA MARTIN WILL DIE (BUT HER CORPSE WILL BE HOTTER THAN MOST OTHERS).

BRYAN COFFELT WILL DIE (BUT I HOPE HE PUTS OUT THE NEXT PINCH PINCH BOOK BECAUSE I AM IN IT).

THE HORSE IN THE FIELD ACROSS FROM MY APARTMENT, THE ONE WITH THE SNOW ON ITS BACK, WILL DIE.

I WILL DIE.

I WANT TO DIE IN A VALLEY, WHERE NOBODY, NO GOD WILL FIND ME.

I WANT TO BECOME AN APENDAGE TO THE AIR AND DISSOLVE.

I WANT PEOPLE TO TALK ABOUT ME WHEN I AM GONE.

I WANT THEM O TALK ABOUT HOW I AM GONE, BUT IN A FUNNY WAY, LIKE YOU'D DO WITH SOMETHING LIKE CRYSTAL PEPSI OR SNAP BRACELETS OR THOSE ZUBAZ PANTS (BELOW YOU WILL FIND A PICTURE OF A MAN WEARING ZUBAZ PANTS TO CLARIFY THIS OBSCURE REFERENCE).

WHILE I'M SLEEPING TONIGHT, PLEASE, COME AND DROP A CINDERBLOCK ON MY HEAD AND TURN MY HEAD INTO NOTHING.

DIP A PAINTBRUSH INTO THE GORE AND PAINT THE PHRASE “THIS IS REAL” ON THE WALL.
(THEN DRAW A KITTEN WITH A GIGANTIC PENIS THE TIP OF WHICH IS GILBERT GODFREY'S HEAD (BECAUSE I THINK THAT'D BE FUNNY))

NO ONE WILL REPROVE YOU.

YOU WILL BE A SAINT AS LONG AS YOU'RE ALIVE.

WHEN YOU GET TO HELL I WILL ACT LIKE I DON'T KNOW YOU AND I WILL TREAT YOU POORLY LIKE THOSE MOTORCYCLE KIDS DID TO DANIEL-SAN IN KARATE KID PART ONE.

MY MOM IS A LOT LIKE AN ASSHOLE BECAUSE BOTH HAVE BROUGHT SHIT INTO THE WORLD.

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TONIGHT I DRANK SOME THINGS
AND THEN I DIDN'T CARE

I WATCHED THE UNIVERSE LEAVE ME
AND THEN

I THINK I DON'T GIVE A FUCK
I WANT TO DESTROY THE UNIVERSE
0 AD - 2008 AD

PARACHUTE

I'M AFRAID THAT IM
GOING TO ADJUST MY LIFE
TO ANY WOMAN THAT
SHOWS ANY SORT OF INTEREST
IN ME.
THAT ON ANY OCCASION I WILL
LEAVE THE 'LIFE' I'VE CREATED
FOR MYSELF TO TRAVEL OR
BECOME SOMEONE ELSE.
SOMEONE FROM FLORIDA COULD
CONTACT ME AND ASK ME
IF I WANTED TO MOVE THERE
IF THEY PAID FOR THE FLIGHT
AND THE FIRST MONTHS RENT
AND I WOULD PROBABLY SAY
YES TO THEM.
I WANT MY LIFE TO BE LIKE CLOTHES.
CHANGED EVERYDAY
AND WASHED EVERY MONTH
OR SO.

WALK, MAN

THERE'S A FOOT THAT
EXPANDED SO MUCH THAT
IT LOOKED LIKE A BULLFROGS BUBBLE.
I PASSED A GIRL WITH
A TRENCH COAT ON THE STREET
WHO WAS LAUGHING
TO HERSELF AND FELT
SELF CONSCIOUS BECAUSE
I THOUGHT SHE KNEW I HAD
FORGOTTEN THE EGGS
FOR MY DINNER.
SO WHEN I CAME HOME
I PUT ON MUSIC TO DROWN OUT
THE SOUNDS OF SEX
IN THE OTHER ROOM AND
CHOPPED UP MY MEMORIES
OF WHEN LOVERS LANE
USED TO BE FILLED WITH
DOZENS AND DOZENS OF
CHIRPING BIRDS ALL
HARMONIZING AT ONCE.